Discovering Your True Self

The morning sun was just above the horizon, not yet blazing hot as it would be before the end of that summer day. I knelt on my knees in the grass to change a tire that had gone flat the night before. As I worked to loosen the lug nuts on the wheel, a bug buzzed in the grass beside me. I didn’t pay much attention to the bug as my focus was on the task before me. But the bug’s continued buzzing led me to brush my hand over the grass in an effort to free it and, thereby, end its incessant buzzing. As I brushed my hand across the grass, I saw that what I thought was a bug was actually a rattlesnake, coiled and ready to strike. I had knelt down within six inches of its resting place in the grass. Its buzzing was its attempt to warn me that I was trespassing on its turf. Instantly, without thinking, I leapt three feet backwards, away from the snake. My heart was pounding, my breath rapid, my body shaking. I was racked with fear … a fear that had saved me from being bitten by the rattlesnake. My experience of fear was a gift that possibly saved my life that morning. My rattlesnake experience illustrates that fear is a gift. It is a survival mechanism designed to protect us from danger. Fear is that sense of alarm we experience whenever we perceive something or someone as a threat. It is an emotional reaction to danger. The danger may be an actual threat to our wellbeing, such as the rattlesnake, or something we perceive to be a threat. Whether the danger is real or just perceived, it triggers our fear. Our fear launches within us an automatic, unconscious, physical reaction designed to protect us from the danger, i.e., our fear response. I didn’t have to take time to analyze the situation with the rattlesnake or think about what response I should make. I reacted automatically, without thinking, to protect myself from the danger. Fear actually bypasses the thinking portion of our brain, communicating directly to the part of our brain that is trained to keep us alive. Thus, our reaction is unconscious, not thought out or consciously chosen. In spite of its life protecting role, fear can have a downside that, rather than protecting us, can work against us. This downside of fear is when fear is no longer about a current danger, real or perceived. It is archaic fear … old fear that hangs around haunting our minds. It is fear of what might be in the future that is based upon what was in the past. This archaic fear is called anxiety. We experience anxiety as a nebulous feeling of unease or dis-ease that lies just beneath the surface of our awareness. We are most aware of anxiety when we are in an unfamiliar situation, when we feel out of control, when we do not feel safe, or when we are uncertain of the outcome. Anxiety is tied to our past experiences of fear, especially those associated with our formative years. It is the residue of those previous experiences of fear that still taints our spirit in the present. It is the unconscious memory we carry of those early experiences of being hurt or left out, of being inadequate or treated as less than others. Those early experiences taught us to live in anticipation of things in life that would hurt us. They trained us to be on the lookout for what might happen next. The nebulous feeling of unease in our life is this unconscious anticipation of something else that will hurt us. It is the twitching of the old fears. It creates an inner restlessness that leads to the panicky need to do something even though there is no apparent, tangible threat to which to respond. My experience with the rattlesnake was a graphic, unforgettable experience of fear. It occurred in a specific situation, at a specific time, with a specific danger. Our experience of anxiety is different. It is always present, floating beneath the surface of our awareness. It is the lens through which we see every situation and evaluate every relationship. It is the radar we use to scan the emotional, relational horizon of every group. Living with anxiety is living on “high alert” for potential danger. Living on “high alert” is costly. While fear is a gift designed to protect us, anxiety can become an inner demon that drives us. Unrecognized and unaddressed, it robs us of peace and joy, setting the emotional tone and inner disposition out of which we live. It shapes our understanding of who we are in relationship to others. It determines how we relate to others as well as how comfortable we are in those relationships. It often undermines our relationships. It determines the triggers of our anger and fear. It determines what we do when we are angry or afraid. It is what lies behind every conflict and broken relationship. It is the driver behind every addiction. It is a factor in every illness. Unrecognized, anxiety has the power to destroy our health, our relationships, and our careers. While fear protects, anxiety sabotages and destroys. None of us are immune to anxiety and its potentially sabotaging power. Our experiences of it differ, but each of us carries it with us everywhere we go. It is a part of our emotional DNA. My experience of fear of the rattlesnake bypassed my thinking. I automatically reacted. Moving beyond the sabotaging power of anxiety requires us to engage the thinking portion of our brains. It involves recognizing, naming, and learning to manage the old fears. It involves recognizing and moving beyond the old, unhealthy patterns we use to numb the pain of the anxiety. It involves trained self-awareness. It is a journey into emotional-relational-spiritual maturity. Such is the journey of Discovering Your True Self.