Reflections in a Stream

Ben studied her from the corner of his eye. He was a simple, rough man and words escaped to describe the deep emotional feeling of watching her birth Jamie and Lettie’s baby, earlier. He felt spiritually cleansed. All life's clutter had seemingly given way to what was real, meaningful, and useful. Since Judith’s time was not many weeks away he decided to share what was on his mind. She needed more than the protection of food and shelter; she needed the protection of his name.

“Miss Judith?”

“What is it, Ben?”

He moistened his suddenly dry lips and without looking at her, said, “Miss Judith, I’ve had something on my mind to speak about for some time . . .now I can’t think how to begin.”

She laughed softly, “Ben Carroll, at a loss for words? This sounds serious. Should I be remembering where I stored my suitcase?”

“No!” he said quickly. “In fact, staying is what I’m trying to get to. You are happy living with us, right?”

“I’ve been more at ease with you and the girls than anywhere else I might have gone. As for being happy, I’m not sure I will ever know happiness like I did before Jim died. Now I simply aim for a measure of contentment.”

He nodded, understanding fully. “Miss Judith, having you there with the girls has brought me more peace of mind than I can say, but folks have made it pretty clear they don’t approve of our arrangement and their mind set doesn’t seem to be going away. Now as for myself, I don’t care what they think as long as I know different, but I’m rankled that you and the girls are hurt by these lies. I’m thinking we should do something about the situation, especially with your time near. When this baby is born every gossip in the county will try seeing my resemblance in its face.”

Judith decided his past generosity demanded she rescue him from the discomfort of telling her. “It’s all right, Ben, I'll leave.”

He grabbed her hand in his. “No, that’s not my meaning. I’m trying to say . . . we should get married.”

“What?” She jerked free of his hand.

“Now wait, listen to me.”

“I can’t listen to such. That’s crazy, Ben. I love Jim!”

“Will you just hear me out. I mean in name only, not a real marriage in that sense. We just go through the legal process to bring respectability to this arrangement. Maybe then tongues will quit wagging and we don’t feel the need to defend our every move to these self-righteous talebearers. Wouldn't it be easier on the little one when it’s older if it didn’t have a different name?”

“But it should have a different name. It’s Jim Grayson’s child.”

This seemed so simple when I had the idea. “Miss Judith, I’m not trying to deny the baby’s rightful father, or take Jim’s place in any way. This present arrangement is affecting others besides the two of us. It’s causing Becky embarrassment and as happy as Amanda is about it now, eventually she will have questions. I’m just suggesting that you and the baby come under my name. Then people will have no reason to even question our arrangement.”

“What would our friends and your family back in Balsam Ridge think? Those who know Jim has only been dead a few months?”

“The people that matter will want what’s best,” he said.

“But we’ll be living a lie, pretending to be husband and wife. That is what you meantonly pretend, right?”

“Miss Judith, how long have you known me? Have I ever not been a man of my word? If I tell you this is to be in name only, do you have any reason to believe I would change my mind, make demands just because I have a legal piece of paper?”

He's offended. “I’m sorry, Ben. You're right. I have no reason to think otherwise, but you must realize what you’re suggesting upsets me.”

“I know, and in ways it does sound crazy. We will always hold a love for Jim and Missy in our hearts, but you gotta admit we are each other’s support and neither one of us wants that to change, right? I’m just looking for a way to continue this present arrangement with the least amount of trouble for everyone. Just think about it, will you? I’ll not bring it up again. If you decide it might be for the best, you’ll have to let me know.” Standing, he reached for her hand and helped her to her feet. The subject was closed.

As they walked to the truck she arched her back against a tired ache. I need the security of this present arrangement. Being alone with a baby on the way is not a comforting thought. But what Ben is suggesting . . .no, no, never.

They rode home in silence, each deep in private thoughts. The girls met them on the porch. Amanda rushed to them. “What was Lettie and Jamie’s baby, a boy or a girl?”

“Thanks to Miss Judith’s help, a fine baby boy,” Ben replied.

Judith needed a time of solitude and went to her bedroom. Sinking down in the rocking chair she held Jim’s worn leather bag on her lap, studying it with misting eyes. This bag was such a part of who he was. Nothing else would make him seem so real. But he wasn’t real. Not in this world . . . not in my life. Now he was gone and she had just received a proposal of marriage . . . if one could call it that. She found herself resenting being put in the position of having to even consider such an arrangement. They had done nothing to merit the people’s scorn.