When Mommies Cry

Lovingly dedicated to

Charles Lester Banning

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

I would like to gratefully acknowledge those who have walked me through this process and spent countless hours supporting me in my grief. My precious Lord Who made the thoughts and words flow and with incredible ease. His footprints are found throughout these pages as He carried me through this valley.

My sister and brother-in-law, David and Terri Green, who gave me refuge immediately after losing Charles. Their sacrificial love and care for me were beyond description and they gave me time to mend. As years progressed, David and Terri were always there for me in every way. God put into my life two precious people who were staunch supporters of putting my story in print so that it could possibily help others. Thank you.

My friend, Faith Austin, who was the inspiration behind this book. Journaling was a huge part of my healing process in the early days after losing Charles and it was Faith who encouraged me to formulate my thoughts into a book. Amazingly, she never gave up on encouraging me to publish and even offered financial support to make this project a reality. I can’t thank her enough for pulling me through.

This book is a labor of love derived from the many friends and loved ones who stood by Terribeth and me through the darkest valley of my life. Only eternity will reveal their rewards.

INTRODUCTION

“When Mommies Cry” provides a detailed account of the author’s familiarity with losing a child. Beth Banning delves deep into her soul to express lessons she learned from her first-hand knowledge of grief and demonstrates how it can assist in the grieving process for mothers everywhere. Ms. Banning takes the reader through a personal narrative of her experience and shares on every level the emotions, reactions, associations, and results that came from losing her newborn son.

FOREWORD

One of the most precious resources given to mankind is the tears we are allowed to shed. Even God, Himself, values this precious commodity as He bottles them in Heaven for safekeeping. On July 20, 1985, I lost my son, Charles, to a premature birth. He lived only one hour and forty-five minutes, a small measure of time that changed my life forever. In these next pages, please allow me to share with you joyous effects of my tears from that experience. Cry with me tears of joy and pain, with understanding and compassion for those mothers who have lost their children.

While the tragedy of that day was devastating, the culmination of those many tears has resulted in a commitment to help women who have experienced the loss of a child whether to miscarriage, premature birth, abortion, stillbirth or infant death. It is my prayer that the millions of women who have chosen to end their pregnancies will somehow understand my tears and join me in acceptance of such a loss.

I have learned so much through this experience about knowing and loving; caring and sharing; and especially the value of tears. In so learning, I can confidently say that God's grace works! It was and is the grace of God that has empowered me to take one day at a time and deal with death's crippling effect. If for some reason you read this Foreword and would dispose of this book because of what helped me, please let me plead with you to continue reading. Perhaps you will see your loss in a different perspective.

While the bittersweet memories of our children will linger forever, joy does come in the morning and weeping only endures for a moment. If we can understand that, our children have not died in vain. Their sweet lives were not wasted and their tiny imprint on this world can change it for the better. For this reason, I give you "WHEN MOMMIES CRY."

Beth Banning

TABLE OF CONTENTS

I. Tears of Joy

A. Dreams, Expectations, Joy and Sharing

B. Dealing with Reactions

C. Nourishing, Maternal Bonding

D. Understanding

II. Tears of Pain

A. Hard News, Fears of the Unknown

B. Death's Indignities, Physical Recuperation

C. Dealing with Reactions of Spouse, Siblings and Others

D. Understanding

III. Tears of Sorrow

A. Grieving, Regret and Guilt, Anger, WHY?, Depression

B. Acceptance - Time to Heal

C. Dealing with the Grief of Husband, Siblings and Others

D. Understanding

IV. When the Crying Stops

A. Life Again!

B. Cradled in the Arms of God

C. The Broken Treasure

D. Carved Beauty

The tears of joy from those early months of pregnancy waft through my memory even today as I ponder what God would have me learn from this experience. As I lay hopeless, in the dark hours after losing Charles, I remembered the dreams and expectations, the joy and sharing, the planning and reactions of others, and the nourishing and bonding during my brief time with him. I realized in a very deep way that these were the experiences that determined the depth of my grief. As in any relationship, according to the foundation laid in knowing a person, so laid is the foundation of grief. This was how I knew Charles, my son.

I wonder if the reason why some women are able to so quickly overcome their grief is because their pregnancy was of no great consequence to them. Perhaps they did not get so heavily involved in their unborn child's life. Or perhaps they lived in denial because of social pressure or the increased attitude of insignificance toward children. Some women, even men, might use a pregnancy as a time of resolution and recommitment to standards long since forgotten. This pregnancy, for me, was a time of soul-searching and self-evaluation which tunneled into my very soul. I had been without a child for too long not to appreciate the precious gift of life given me.

Dear reader, take a moment and journal all of the affections you had for your unborn child before losing them. Give yourself opportunity to recognize what is driving the depth or shallowness of your grief. As you write, allow for truth even if you do not want to admit it. You will be amazed at how cathardic finally being honest about your child can be.

Please remember with me the experiences of a prominent couple in the Bible in II Samuel 12. David and Bathsheba conceived a child as a result of their adulterous affair. They were real people with real circumstances just like ours’. In the end, their grief was equally as real.

When David discovered that Bathsheba was pregnant with his child, he arranged the death of her husband, Uriah. The idea of having a child horrified them as evidenced by the great lengths David went to have Uriah killed. Social pressure, God's wrath, the prophet's warning, coupled with the sheer emotions of having conceived a child, must have developed a desperate and sad bonding between infant and parents. They might have thrilled at the thought of a son, but they also carried the heavy weight of guilt and fear. For nine months they established a foundation for their grief, yes, even their sin which led to the culmination of their grief. Not only did they suffer the child's illness; but also his eminent death.

Think of Bathsheba's disgrace, fear, emotional struggles and pain. While grieving for her husband, she carried the child full term, endured the travails of giving him birth and lost him in a week. David also grieved, even to the point that his servants feared telling him of the child's death believing that he might kill himself.