Melancholy, Mania and Miracles

…Sleeping very little at all and running on fumes, I decided in a few days to pack a few things and head home to Calgary for a while. (I say “I” with hesitation as I truly believe that God drove me there). By this time in my condition, I was truly hearing music talking directly to me. The songs had so much to say about my life. They were very explicit in lyric and meaning to my life. In particularly, The Bangles and Waylon Jennings for some odd reason and combination were telling me many things. The one song by the Bangles told me to leave a letter at my friend Molly’s house, so I did before I left. I have no idea what I said in the letter, but probably I was apologizing or something. In everything in life, one must find some humor. As Waylon Jennings belted out of my cassette player to the tune of Luckenbach, Texas and Amanda, my mind decided that my dad was actually Waylon Jennings! It wasn’t a question, but a statement that I finally realized! Stupid me! Why did it take so long to understand? I mean my dad loved country music. He was dark and handsome. He liked to sing. Dad was often away on business trips. It all just made so much sense (at least to a crazed mind it did). By the way, even though my dad likes to sing, he would be the first to admit that he’s not very blessed in the vocal cord area! On my three hour journey to Calgary, I played only The Bangles and Waylon Jennings Greatest Hits obsessively. I was on a mission and my life was slowly coming to make sense through these songs, so I thought at the time. It is really quite astonishing to me to recall how “out of my mind” and mad I really was at this point and yet I had driven so far. God was certainly watching over me that day. When I finally arrived in Calgary I was a blabbering idiot. My mom was quickly realizing that something was definitely wrong with me. I was behaving quite irrationally and talking a mile a minute. Many things I was saying were not making sense, especially the Waylon Jennings idea. Mom really wasn’t sure what to do, but the next morning decided for us.
I barely slept, but when I finally did, I saw a bright light and angels calling me. It was very profound. I woke up blabbering to my mom about some kind of new message I had dreamt about. Mom soon got up and made us some coffee. We were talking, or at least I was. My poor mother was inadvertently trying to reason with me and talk sense into me. I didn’t know how she couldn’t understand my perspective. This bothered me. My mom innocently went to pour me some coffee and I suddenly realized (again, in my crazed mind) that she was trying to poison me! I started to panic. It all made sense. It all came together. She had started when I was younger, but now was trying to finish off the job. She somehow made it seem so innocent, through sharing coffee. But, I knew better. What was I going to do? My mom of all people was trying to kill me! I was panicking and suddenly the phone rang. It was my Auntie Marilyn. Thank God! She would understand and help me. I went around the corner of the kitchen into the living room to share this terrifying news with her, but she didn’t seem to understand or hear my urgency. Something had to be done soon. I was terrified of my own mother! So I did what any normal, rational, twenty-one year old girl would do. I grabbed my cowboy hat, my smokes and my keys and ran for my car adorned in my short, red and white striped nighty imprinted with “Prisoner of Love”. I honestly don’t remember if I even put on shoes! I was a prisoner of my own mind running for my life! I got to my blue Super Beetle as fast as my legs could possibly take me. I’ve always been a fast sprinter, but as I got in and locked the doors, I was amazed and horrified to see my mom right at the passenger door trying to get in. Would she ever stop? I quickly put my key in the ignition and my foot on the clutch. Turning the key, I suddenly realized that my car was dead. I looked at my mom as her eyes pierced deeply into my ignition and I was sure that she was disabling my car somehow. I thought…How could this be? My mom? How could she hate me so? Why would she want to kill her own daughter? Little did I know at the time, but what my thoughts were telling me, were actually completely the opposite. I believe that through my mom’s beautiful brown eyes, God performed another miracle in my life that day. Through my mom’s honest and pure love for me, she disabled my car with God’s help. I wouldn’t have survived a car ride that day and I may have hurt others as well. Thank-you God! (The very next day my car started on the first try)…

Well if you don’t first succeed to escape…try, try again! Out of the car I ran with my incredibly important personal belongings. I ran like the wind down the street away from my crazed mother. I’ve never felt so afraid of anyone in my life. It should have been me that I was afraid of, but in this state of mind that was impossible to see. I ran and ran, not sure of where I was going at all. My mom didn’t follow. She went into the house and was shaking uncontrollably. She knew she had to think clearly so she called the police. They came quickly for a report from my mom. She then called my dad and broke down crying. Suddenly, as I rounded the corner to a busier street, I saw a lady getting into a car. Really, she was a living angel to me that day. She asked if I was alright. I responded that my mom was chasing me and trying to kill me. One look at me must have said a thousand words to this lady and she calmly asked if I would like a ride. I responded yes and asked her to please hurry. I jumped in and slouched down. Did I stop to think about where this kind lady might take me? No! I guess I didn’t really care as long as I was away from my mom. This sweet angel took me over to a clinic in Midnapore. A few people asked me questions and within an hour or two, my sister Roni and my dad soon arrived to talk to me.