My Heart Is Fixed

Chapter One January 1, 1866 When Clary opened her eyes she saw gray shadows around the bedroom, indicating that daybreak was near. Beside her Claudia Rose slept peacefully. How thankful she was that her sister finally was coming out from the terrible depression she had been in since word came of the death of her fiancé, Andy Norton. A new year was dawning across the nation. For the first time in years a New Year’s day didn’t hold the specter of war. However, they still lived with turmoil, anger, and hatred. The people who had held with the Confederate cause were bitter about losing the war, and because they believed the Union had caused the war by not allowing the South peaceably to secede. The people who had held with the Union were thankful the war was over and the United States was still one nation, but there was deeply held resentment toward the Confederates because they believed their insistence on withdrawing from the Union had been the cause of so much destruction and bloodshed. In and around Bloomfield hostile emotions still ran high. Many men had died on both sides of the war. Women and children had suffered, not only the loss of their husbands, fathers, brothers, and sons, but of their dignity, animals, crops, and hope for the future. Clary stretched slowly, being careful not to waken Claudia Rose. The sun now sent golden shafts of light into the room. Time to get up. At least there were chores to be done. Time was, she would never have thought she would be glad to have chores, but during the war there weren’t many chores because they had so little—no livestock, no garden, no fabric. Now it felt wonderful to be facing a full day with eggs to gather, a cow to milk, food to cook, fabric to make new curtains. Yes, they were blessed to have chores to do. Claudia Rose stirred and mumbled something in her sleep. “S-h-h,” Clary whispered. “Go back to sleep.” She knew Claudia Rose wouldn’t sleep much longer, but for many months she had hardly slept at all, and Clary still felt protective of her older sister. Aunt Minnie already had coffee making, biscuits in the oven, and ham sizzling when Clary reached the kitchen. She took a deep, appreciative breath, and kissed her aunt on the cheek. Although Aunt Minnie would never totally recover from the loss of her twin sons who were killed in the woods near their home during the war, at least she had come to lean on God for strength and comfort and was able to function normally again. Paw’s heavy footsteps sounded on the back porch before he opened the door. He came in with a draft of cold air. His limp had become more pronounced and his golden brown hair now had turned steel gray, but he was still strong and able to take care of the farm. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” Clary turned to find Claudia Rose’s sleepy gray eyes on her. “You needed your sleep,” she answered with a gentle smile. Claudia Rose stretched and smiled back at Clary and ran her fingers through her tousled, strawberry blond hair. “I’ve slept good for a week, you know. I’m so thankful the Lord touched me.” A cloud swept across Claudia Rose’s face. “I’ll miss Andy for the rest of my life, but I hope I don’t go back to that awful gray fog again.” A light tap at the door caught their attention. Clary moved swiftly to open the door. “Clay, she cried, “Come in. We’re just getting ready to have breakfast. Join us.” “Thanks, I already had breakfast, but I’d love a cup of coffee while ya’ll eat.” Claudia Rose had been setting the table and was just setting a place for Clay. She left his plate, knowing he’d want a biscuit and jelly with his coffee. After Paw said the blessing, he looked at Clay. “So what brings you over so early this New Year’s Day?” Clay washed down a mouthful of biscuit and jelly before answering. “Just antsy. I still haven’t adjusted to civilian life and not having more to do. Carl doesn’t seem to like having me around much, though Liz tries to make up for his attitude. I love being with the young ’uns, too. They’re a reminder that life still goes on, but you know how it is. Me’n Carl never did get along the best, and now that we were on opposite sides of the war, the gap between us has become a deep canyon. He blamed me at Shiloh because Will died, and though he’s never said so, I guess he blames me for his crippled arm, too.” Aunt Minnie placed a sympathetic hand on Clay’s arm. “That hateful war! It brought so much destruction and loss of life, and it looks like we’re gonna be fighting it for the rest of our lives, even if not with guns and bayonets.” Clay unexpectedly leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on Aunt Minnie’s cheek before sliding a glance toward Claudia Rose. “You doing better? Somehow you look more relaxed.” Claudia Rose nodded. “God touched me at the Christmas Eve program, and I’ve been better ever since.” A bulge on each side of Clay’s jaw indicated that he’d gritted his teeth at the mention of God. Clary was still fond of her lifelong friend, but she could hardly stand to see how cynical the war had turned him. Fervently she hoped the old lighthearted Clay would come back. With breakfast over, Clary went upstairs to make beds while Claudia Rose cleaned the kitchen and Aunt Minnie swept and dusted. Out the upstairs window Clary saw Clay walking with Paw to the barn. She tried to examine her feelings for Clay, but wasn’t sure what she felt. She knew he’d always be her friend. Time was, she thought they might become more than that, but she had never been sure. Now she was even more undecided how she would handle it if Clay would try to move their relationship beyond where it was before the war. She knew there was a spark between her and Eddie, but Eddie was off limits. He had come to comfort Claudia Rose, and she was abundantly thankful that he had helped her sister. She would be all for it if they fell in love. Then there was Patience Norton. Patience had thought she was in love with Eddie for a couple of years now. Eddie had never seemed to encourage her, but it worried Clary a little to think about what would happen to their friendship with Patience if the woman who had been engaged to her brother fell in love with the man Patience loved. Heaving a great sigh, she plumped Paw’s feather pillow and placed it on the bed. Back in the room she had shared with Claudia Rose all her life, she brushed her golden brown hair again and wound it into a tight bun. Looking critically at herself in the mirror, she was well pleased to see that her body filled out the dress the way it should. She would never forget the years of near starvation. Catching a movement in the side of her eye, she looked out the window to see Paw and Clay coming back toward the house. She studied the two men’s faces. The lines in Paw’s face were settling into a pleasant pattern that showed his contented spirit. Even though he had lost his wife before the war, and the years of the war had taken their toll on him, the same as they did everyone, there was no sign of anger or bitterness on his face or in his eyes. However, the younger man’s face seemed to be set permanently in a sullen expression. In the months he’d been home, he hadn’t talked to her at all about his experiences fighting for the Confederacy. She suspected he hadn’t been talking much to anyone, but keeping it all inside where it appeared that the bitterness was only growing. Her heart hurt for the carefree young man she had once known. Clary dropped heavily into the rocking chair by their bed.