Flying On a Turtle
Journeying through Grief Toward Horizons of Hope
by
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Faith and Fear “Pastor,” John said through his labored breathing, “I’m afraid to die. Does that mean my faith isn’t strong enough? Will I still go to heaven with my weak faith?” As I sat at John’s bedside, I could see he was caught in the downward spiral in which many people find themselves as they contemplate their impending death. His shortness of breath due to advanced COPD and congestive heart failure caused him great anxiety and fear. Constantly afraid that each breath might be his last, he feared what the end of this life might be like. Would he die gasping for air and writhing in pain? Could he go to heaven even though his heart seemed to be filled with fear instead of faith? John had reasoned that his fear indicated a lack of faith. His perceived lack of faith caused his fear to rise. This resulted in more and greater doubts. These doubts further increased his fear. Caught in an abyss of fear, he imagined his faith decreasing while his fears mounted. This led him to withdraw into himself – like a turtle into his shell – away from God and away from others. I remembered the time I had experienced shortness of breath due to a malfunctioning heart valve and symptomatic congestive heart failure. When the mitral valve was replaced and I could breathe easier, my fears subsided. This experience enabled me to empathize a little bit with John as he struggled for each breath. I briefly told John of my experience, and how I also had imagined that my faith was failing as my fears increased. “John, I said, “I can’t really compare my experience to yours because heart surgery enabled me to breathe well again. But during those months before my surgery a verse that helped me was Luke 22:44 ‘And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.’” “I don’t understand,” John replied. “This picture of Jesus earnestly praying in the Garden of Gethsemane on the night before his death helped me to understand that fear and faith are not mutually exclusive. It is not a sin to be afraid. Jesus had great fear and anxiety as he contemplated the suffering he was to endure the next day. He also had great faith. He took his fears to His Father, who then comforted him and sent angels to strengthen him. “Yeah,” said John. “But Jesus had greater faith than I ever will.” “You’re right,” I answered. “But even great faith doesn’t keep us from being afraid. Fear and faith can co-exist. Faith helps us deal with our fears as it offers us assurance, encouragement, comfort, and strength.” “So, it’s OK to be afraid.” I couldn’t tell whether this was a question or a statement. “John, our faith is a gift of God, and our fears come from within us. No emotion can take away what God has given us. God doesn’t expect us to always have mountaintop faith. He knows our faith is sometimes more like a mustard seed – small, but alive.” He still wasn’t convinced. “But Pastor, I always thought fear indicates that we don’t trust God. That makes me afraid of His judgment.” “Other than Jesus, no one’s faith is always strong. Peter became afraid when he walked on the water with Jesus. He had faith to step out of the boat. And when he began to sink, he still had the faith to cry out for Jesus to save him. Jesus didn’t judge him for his weak faith. Jesus saved him.” “So weak faith is still saving faith?” “Yes. My faith is weak sometimes. But I trust God’s promise to protect and guard my faith so that no one and nothing can take it away. Jesus promised in John 10 that no one can snatch us out of His loving hand. That includes COPD and congestive heart failure. Jesus stays faithful to his promises even when our faith is weak.” Following a moment a silent reflection, John said, “I think I understand. Jesus won’t let me lose my faith when I’m afraid.” “That right. He does this through his Word and through prayer. St. Paul wrote in 2 Timothy 1:12 ‘for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that day what has been entrusted to me.’ John smiled. “I just remembered something a Sunday school teacher told us when I was little. ‘Perfect love casts out fear.’” “Your Sunday school teacher was right,” I said. “That’s in 1 John 4:18. It means that God’s perfect love in Christ strengthens our faith so that our fears won’t overwhelm us.” As John and I continued our visit, I explained to him that God gave us our emotions for a purpose. Fear and anxiety, while often uncomfortable and distressing, are not wrong or sinful. If our fears start to overwhelm us, we can trust that God holds onto us even if we can’t hold onto him. If our fears lead us to withdraw from God into doubt and despair, he will forgive us and strengthen our faith. God also gives us resources and people to help us when we’re afraid and anxious. Through doctors, nurses, and other caregivers God will help us to live one day at a time and to have a peaceful death. God will never let us down. He won’t abandon us. We can do as David wrote in Psalm 56:3, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Ponder and Pray When I am going through hardships or losses, the things I fear most are… John was worried that his fears indicated that his faith was not strong enough. Knowing that this is untrue helps me to… Faith doesn’t guarantee that we will never be afraid. Faith helps us overcome our fears. Some Bible passages, prayers, or songs that help me when I am afraid are… The support and resources God gives me to help me cope with my fears are… Someone I can talk with regarding my questions and concerns. I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4
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About the Book
In some mythologies a flying turtle represents a paradox. To my knowledge, a turtle can fly only by being thrown into the air. That would be frightening for the turtle. Difficult changes and losses can throw us from a life that feels safe and familiar into a life of uncertainty, fear, anxiety, and grief. We lose our sense of control as we experience unexpected and often traumatic changes in relationships, health, mortality, spiritual wellbeing, and hope. Such changes and losses throw us into many paradoxes regarding life and death. Death frightens us as the hope of heaven comforts us. We grow weary of caring for an ill loved one and want it to be over, but we don’t want them to die. We hurt, but we also feel numb. We feel stuck as we fly forward into the unfamiliar. As if flying on a turtle, we must relinquish control to God and trust that by grace we or our loved one will safely land at a destination that he has chosen. I HAVE MADE YOU AND I WILL CARRY YOU; I WILL SUSTAIN YOU, AND I WILL RESCUE YOU. Isaiah 46:4 (NIV 1985)
About the Author
Author is a Lutheran pastor with 43 years of experience. He has served as parish pastor, conflict resolution minister, and healthcare chaplain in the areas of critical care, trauma, long-term care, hospice, and bereavement care. He is a board certified member of the Association of Professional Chaplains and is a certified grief professional. He has had open heart surgery and has experienced temporary traumatic brain injury from an auto accident. His father and a sister-in-law died by suicide. His step-father died from cancer while in hospice care. His mother passed away with dementia at age 91. From these and other experiences, he has gained empathy for the hurting. He currently serves as a long-term care chaplain and part-time parish pastor. He and his wife Dianne have been married 47 years and have three children and nine grandchildren.