Breaking Free from Shame

It is not worth telling - I will be fine. I can deal with the shame. I can deal with this on my own. I will be okay. I should just get over it, and move on… right? These are the thoughts that went through my head. I tried to rationalize my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. But this is not what God had intended for me - this is not what God HAS in store for my life. These thoughts that clouded my mind were from the enemy. They were the enemy filling my head with lies that I was not worthy and not important enough to get help and find healing. Friend, if you are dealing with something in silence - please know that you are more than worthy of help. More than worthy of being whole again. Regardless of what you have done, or what was done to you, you are worth more. Our worth does not come from our actions. Our worth does not come from how hard we work. Our worth does not come from where we grew up, and who our family members are. Our worth does not come from our friends. Our worth does not come from where we work. Our worth does not come from our relationships or our spouse. Our worth does not come from our talents and abilities. Our worth comes from our creator. Our worth is found in Jesus. The one who loves us unconditionally. The one who created us in His image and has amazing plans for our life. We have to put all our worries, insecurities, problems, and frustrations into his loving hands. He says that He will cast it all away. He will take care of us. He makes us a new creation. In 2 Corinthians 5:17 it says that “anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”(NLT). All we have to do is trust Him. He will do what He said He will do - we just have to let Him into our hearts and give Him permission to make us new. There are still things that I am working on in the process of healing, and it is something that I will continue to work through and walk through with Jesus. His redemption is so sweet. He knows that we mess up. He knows that things happen to us that we sometimes do not understand. He knows we are imperfect people. But I also know that He looks at us and sees us as perfectly imperfect in Him. We are his creation. Nothing we could ever do will disqualify us from His love. In my situation, something was inappropriately done to me repeatedly by a close family friend, from mid to late elementary school. It could have been worse than it was, but it still should not have happened. I had overwhelming shame about all of it. Shame about not feeling like I had a voice to speak up. Shame for letting it happen with my siblings around. I had feelings that what was happening to me was not a “big enough” problem - that people wouldn’t care or do anything about it. I felt shame about the fact that if I did speak up, the person that was doing this to me would get in trouble, on top everything else they were already going through at that time in their life. I won’t go into too much detail of what specifically happened, or who it was for privacy reasons and out of respect for this person and the people involved. I am not writing this to proclaim the unfortunate events that make up parts of my story for pity, but rather in hopes of encouraging others who may be in similar situations to not be afraid to speak the truth and to stop hiding behind shame, anxiety, and fear. God did not create us to do life alone. He created us to do life in community. To stand by each other’s side to help and support one another through tough times. Just as He does with us. In all honesty, I would much prefer to keep that chapter of my story hidden and not share it - but I know that is not what God has planned for me. Sometimes our biggest struggles turn into our greatest tools to help others. In order for me to even share this with my family, that certain events had happened, it took me being called out, standing beside my husband, in front of a few thousand teenagers and their youth pastors and leaders at a youth conference in Oregon- more than ten years after that part of my story had played out. It would be much more comfortable to keep these things to myself and act like everything was fine, as if nothing had ever happened. Before I told anyone, I somehow had it in my mind that if I did not tell anyone and didn’t even write about it in my journaling, then it wouldn’t be real. It was easier to “ignore” that way. One of the speakers at this conference, Havilah Cunnington, was speaking on the prophetic and had some words for a handful of people in attendance. I so much admire her boldness and obedience in her walk with Jesus. Out of those five people, two of them were my husband and me. She called the two of us out of the crowd and began to speak prophetic words over us in our marriage, and then over us individually. Our youth students were shocked that we were part of the small number of people called out in the crowd. When she spoke over me, she talked about how there were some things in my life that I had never told anyone, and that God would give me grace to share those things.