The Secret Keeper

As for the summer camp, I write this in part as an apology for not standing up when the man sought affirmation that he had done the right thing by changing the talk from what he had spent months preparing, simply because he felt God told him to do so. As the story goes, we were all shepherded into an auditorium to listen to a speaker, since we were at a Christian camp, and I sat next to the youth directors since none of my peers wanted to hang out with me. I didn’t expect anything to come from this talk until the speaker walked on to the stage after being introduced as coming to speak as a favor for a friend, since he was also in North Carolina during this time period. I’m unclear on this part, but I think the announcer mentioned airplanes and his family hanging out together while he was there talking about his faith with us. Anyway, what really stuck out to me was that he announced he had changed his mind the night before because God told him to share Jeremiah 29:11-13, and he felt the thirteenth verse was of utmost importance to include in this talk. Jeremiah 29:11-13 roughly says, “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to help you, not harm you, but to give you hope and a future. Call on me and you will find me, if you seek me with all your heart.” The speaker then talked about what God might want to do with each of our lives, referencing his four kids and his prayers for them, especially his youngest son, who was having a hard time at the moment. I remember him saying four kids because my pastor had the same number of children. He mentioned how hard it would be for his son to reach his dreams, given the statistical odds of success in his chosen profession. So, we all prayed in part for him, including the prayer that he might always be surrounded by helpers who would enable him to succeed, as God designed him. When he was sharing details based on the premise that God told him to talk like he was talking to his own son, I sat there feeling as if he were talking directly to me, as if he knew me well. It was like his son lent me his dad when I needed it most. I could barely get the words “thank you” out when I passed the speaker on the way outside. I didn’t stand up when he asked who he was supposed to give this talk to in the auditorium, but I did try to go up to him to say thank you because I felt guilty after he looked all alone on stage, looking around for affirmation that he did the right thing. I don’t know if he heard me, but he jumped at the sight of me and stared like he had seen a ghost. I walked off overhearing him tell his friend he had just seen someone who looked like his son, and that triggered me. Once again, I was compared to Nicholas, but now there was a verse attached to this repetitive experience, as well as the prayer that maybe someone in the auditorium would one day help his son fulfill his dreams. Turning over the Bible verses of Jeremiah 29:11-13 over in my head while standing on the balcony by myself, while the rest of my youth group milled around socializing that night, I had the shocking experience of looking down at the pavement two stories below and imagining how I would look as roadkill after falling from this height. As a knee-jerk reaction, I was suddenly flooded by images of people who cared for me and told God he could have my life if he had plans for me. I was tired of feeling worthless, and I didn’t want to fall off that balcony. I went home after this summer camp and told my mom I needed to see a counselor. Later, my dad mentioned experiencing this idea of jumping before when he was on a balcony on a bad day, but that didn’t really deter me from seeking out counseling. And it was through this experience that I had my first experience with counseling, which I later pursued as a career. That night, after I had told my mom I needed to start counseling, she invited me to attend the intensive Bible study called Disciple, where adults go through the entire Bible in depth. This was the Bible study I did in my freshman year of high school, so I could learn who it was that actually had plans for me, even as janky as I thought I was.