Finding God

Toddler Listens
When I was very young, around two or three years old, still in the highchair, my mom and dad were in the kitchen arguing while I was listening. They said a slew of mean accusations to and about each other totally ignoring me listening and feeling their angst. These were my parents; the only people I loved and trusted as a toddler. I found myself in the midst of their hate; not their love.
This brought mom to tears and daddy stomped out, furious. She then called the neighbor lady, Marion. (Marion later died). Marion came over right away and mom asked her, “What am I going to do? I don’t have a job. I don’t have any skills. I have two little girls and I’m far away from my family back East. Now here we are about to lose our home! … and family! … and marriage! Then she broke down and cried all the more.” Marion started comforting her and said, “Don’t worry, honey. God is good. He will take care of you.”
I can still picture this event clearly in my mind today. Devastating things like this impact children greatly. This was impressed upon my memory in full detail.
Watching this, I thought, “Well! If God is good, then we should go live with HIM!” That was good enough for me!
I heard the ‘God is good,’ part and these parents of mine were not being good at all. They hurt each other deeply. I decided to go find God so we could live with HIM.
I banged on my highchair tray since she totally forgot to finish feeding me. She removed the highchair tray, so I slid down and toddled off. She never noticed that I went outside alone. My sister was at school. Daddy was gone. Mom never even noticed that I was gone all day and didn’t come home until dark. That was when the streetlights come on and the big kids come home from playing with neighbor kids.
I looked at the neighbor houses and remembered that they also had arguments and accusations. So, I went into the nearby ‘forest’ to go find God. (It may have been an orchard, but was massive and you could get lost there). Nothing else mattered to me except going there to find God because Marion said God would take care of us. I trusted her. She had always been good to us kids whenever we asked her to arbitrate our disagreements.
I couldn’t find God in the ‘forest.’ Yet I kept looking because I figured that’s the best place, since I doubted He would be among mean people, since Marion said He was good. I searched the insects, animals, trees, sky, and wind. But I couldn’t sense that God was any of them; they had their own ways. Who else, where else in the forest might God be? Then I wondered about the peace and silence of the forest. Still, I felt I needed God with skin on; hands to help, etc. Finally, I said as loudly as I could, “God! If you’re here, or wherever you are,
I want YOU to be my mommy, daddy, sister, AND brother!” I didn’t have a brother but I wanted one. That shoutout gave me some peace of mind. Sadly, it also terrified the little forest critters and they all ran away. Looking back, I guess they had come curious to see a small child all alone crying in the wilderness.
After that day I kept asking about God from all the grownups but none of them could explain God for who He was, or even a way to find Him. I was determined that if He was good and heard me then He would take me up on my request to be my adopted daddy. I guess I was too young to be self-judgmental. Having God for my daddy was what I held onto as my parents' marriage disintegrated. I never told anyone I looked for God.
They did divorce, so mom took me and my sister back East to live with her family. Mom’s elderly maiden aunt took us into her home. No God sightings yet, but I still kept hoping.