Parenting Blunders

Parenting Blunders is a result of years of silent reflection and frequent interaction with like-minded colleagues and fellow students of human behavior. The following contexts have significantly contributed to the collection and synthesis of the material presented in this book. They are my family of origin, where I learned to be a sibling with five others; a spouse for over forty-five years of satisfying marriage; a parent to two grown and well-adjusted children; and a professional counselor specializing in addiction treatment and major depression, as well as having three decades of formal teaching in community college, local churches, and seminaries. I am privileged to have been trained in practical theology and in developmental psychology. With a postgraduate major in pastoral care and counseling and with a graduate degree in professional counseling, the journey in consolidating theological truth with psychological insights has been rewarding. It has been a joyful experience to find, through closer word study, modern scientific proposals as already described in biblical narratives, although with varying descriptive terminologies. An illustration of this is developmental psychology’s concept of “multi-generational transmission process,”1 (Murray Bowen, “Multigenerational Transmission Process,” The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family, www.thebowencenter.org/ multigenerational-transmission-process, accessed November 6, 2025) as described in Exodus: You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me.2 (Exodus 20:5 NIV) This was a warning against idolatrous practices that continue multigenerationally when they are unaddressed and unresolved. As a professional counselor with specialization in addiction treatment and with special interest in both depression and co-occurring disorders, I have been privileged to understand these ailments from a comprehensive perspective, which incorporates spirituality in understanding how mental illness develops and how it can be overcome by integrating spiritual themes and practices in recovery. I have been educated regarding the biopsychosocial origin of both addiction and mental illness. Bio refers to the individual’s genetic predisposition through exploration of the previous generation; psycho refers to the psychological stressors to which one has been exposed; and social refers to the attitude of society regarding illness. Take, for instance, alcoholism. Is this considered normative by one’s community, and is it an encouraged practice at a certain age? Society’s normalizing attitude could also include the accessibility, availability, and affordability of alcoholic beverages. While I deeply respect the contribution of the biopsychosocial theory of the origin of addiction and mental illness, one important element needs to be addressed openly. This element is linked with the others but merits its own discussion—that is, the parenting dynamics that children experience while growing up. Many very young children have been subjected to unfortunate experiences that cause trauma, which develops into shame. When shaming parenting actions or attitudes become a pattern, the trauma gets stabilized and translated into severe psychological and emotional pain. This shaming parenting response to the children is what I refer to as parenting blunders. The pain derived from parenting blunders could potentially become a triggering mechanism to addiction or acute mental illness, such as a depressive episode. One way to look at addiction is that it is a defense mechanism to mitigate unresolved emotional pain. Major depression can also be looked at as the individual’s internal defense due to uncontrolled pain. The symptoms of major depression, such as absence of motivation, impairment of appetite, lack of sleep or oversleeping, and alienation from social interaction that breeds loneliness, can all be the psyche’s defenses. My deepest desire, which undergirds the writing of this book, is for every reader to be aware of the severe adversity caused by the parenting blunders. This realization, hopefully, will increase the appreciation for the tremendous role inherent in parenting so that it will be approached with humble seriousness and not with casual chivalry. While the parenting blunders are pinpointed as practices or patterns to be stopped or avoided, the book also incorporates suggestions on how things can be done differently. This is not just material to identify problems inherent in unwise parenting; this is also a book that proposes how parenting can be approached differently so that it will not perpetuate shame in children and will cause them to be grateful for the models exemplified by their own parents. I hope the older generation will share the insights derived from this book with the younger ones who either have children or are planning to have children of their own. As the Alcoholics Anonymous adherents often say, “If nothing changes, nothing changes!” My prayer is for this book to become a channel of awareness that precedes change. And may the change move on to our sons and daughters and to their children and their children’s children! Please take note that each chapter of the book represents a specific blunder that parents are prone to commit. Each of these blunders has caused enormous pain among the children. It is worth repeating, therefore, for parents to stop or avoid these blunders. Otherwise, the perpetuation of a preventable problem will remain multigenerationally transmitted. A word of caution: I am aware of the popular tendency to be gendersensitive in writing material for public consumption, but avoiding the normal use of either the masculine or feminine pronoun is rather cumbersome. Therefore, my dominant use of the masculine pronoun form is simply for a generic purpose. It is not meant to diminish the value of or exclude the feminine gender. Please be aware of the various photographs along with a haiku that captures the essence of each chapter. A haiku is a Japanese-inspired free verse poem that follows a three-line structure of five-seven-five syllables. I took these photographs during my travels. Finally, please note that all Scriptures used were taken from the NIV (New International Version) of the Holy Bible, unless otherwise indicated.