but first, HONESTY

The mental war I was attempting to push myself through required honesty and humility but I had started to believe that telling the truth was too risky. The growing fear that the unknowingly obsessive thoughts might eventually inform my actions was so great. The worry that my life might be upended by one simple utterance of the chaos in my mind gripped me day in and day out. Honesty wasn’t worth the risk, I concluded. There had to be another way to get better. I continued to rationalize all of the possible ways of doing so and yet nothing that I tried worked. A combination of high stress, unprocessed trauma, hormonal imbalance and sleep deprivation had brought me to this health crisis. I needed rest, a retreat, a good dose of iron (anxiety, I’ve learned since, can be a symptom of anemia) and someone to see through my facade but none of the above were easily achieved. God saw it all and he knew there was a deeper spiritual issue that needed tending to. I had believed wrongly about his character for so long and the effects of these faulty beliefs would slowly be revealed to me through my illness. The emotional dysfunction that stemmed from childhood was fed by self-criticism and the fear of what others thought of me. I was much more inclined to find out how I was to blame rather than lament and draw near to God in my suffering. My natural response to painful experiences of any kind was to internalize feelings and overanalyze my thoughts, a reaction that promotes anything but a peaceful spirit. This is never God's desire for us. His best requires that we run into His presence, not further from his care.Thankfully, God's way isn’t to isolate himself from us in our suffering and He was about to teach me full reliance on Him by uprooting my false beliefs and positioning me on a new path. It is the way of our Maker to use the hard and the ugly and, sometimes, excruciatingly painful to teach us that it’s not about figuring out all the right answers but learning to fall into a right and honest relationship with Him. That’s why we have breath in our lungs. It’s what we were made for.Perhaps you’ve never walked through a mental health crisis like I did many years ago but I’m guessing that you’ve likely struggled with trying to find your worth in the wrong things? Maybe you have believed that what others think about you is more important than what God sees in the messiest corners of your heart? I wonder if you also struggle to be honest about your self perceived “bad” emotions? Every single emotion that we experience has been given to us by a good God and yet we label many as “wrong” because we never had the opportunity to learn how to view and manage them in a healthy way as children. Emotions are a signal to us that we are human. That we are made in the image of God. And they were never meant to be shoved down or pushed aside. Maybe you feel a sudden urge to close this book because honesty might stir up what’s been hidden in the shadows for too long? Perhaps being honest threatens to bring you face to face with painful memories you’d rather ignore? Can I just say that nothing could be better for you at this moment? To lay it all out and lament, “God I want more peace and joy and renewed hope in my relationship with you”. With full assurance I can tell you that He is faithful and will meet you there! Deep down in our spiritual depths we all long for freedom from what binds and shackles us but the first steps can feel so intimidating. In the hardest moments of this life we will always be faced with the decision to choose honesty or deny the sincere expression of our sorrow. When we choose to ignore or hold tightly to our pain rather than release it, we’ll find ourselves carrying a weight we were never meant to endure alone and covering up what was never meant to be hidden. The journey of suffering honestly has to begin with a healthy fear of the Lord. Learning to fear Him rightly and only is how we begin to squash the other fears that deserve no place in our hearts.