Spiritual Disciplines

My stomach knotted up, and I felt frozen, unable to move or respond. I just sat there and cried. Tears streamed down my face as I realized that my sins had crucified Christ! Although I had read about this biblical event numerous times before, it was different today; it was personal. I could not believe Jesus would die this way for me! Would He really give up His life and die on a cross that was so painful, for me? It was as if I were there that day on the streets and chanting in the background, for them to crucify Jesus. Immediately, I felt even more humbled at the foot of the cross. I understood that I could never repay God for Jesus dying on the cross for me; I am indebted forever to Him. I owe Him my life! I thought of Mary, the mother of Jesus. As a mother, I also felt some pain. How could she have endured the hardship of seeing her son crucified, dying on a cross, and in so much pain? I hated to see my children in pain with basic things like a scratched knee or teething pains. It was inconceivable to think about how Mary felt that day when Jesus was crucified. I could not even conceive the amount of pain she endured. My heart was stirred once again. I acknowledged I needed this type of compassion for other people, too! I needed so much compassion that I would be willing to give my life if demanded, just for them to find Jesus. I praised God for this opportunity to practice the discipline of compassion. It reminded me to be compassionate toward others in a way I had never experienced before. As I continued exploring these spiritual practices over the following weeks, I focused heavily on prayer and Bible reading. One of my favorite disciplines during this time was called practicing His presence. It involved finding something to praise God for in daily, periodic moments, and acknowledging it immediately. So, I looked for birds and praised God. I saw my husband sitting across the room, and I praised God for him. I thought of my children as I looked at their pictures—they were so far away! I was overwhelmed with emotions as I realized how truly blessed I was. Little by little, the daily changes made in my life had a tremendous impact on my relationship with God and my daily activities. By the end of my spiritual formation class, God had radically restored and renewed me to Himself! I had realized that I needed to study the Bible every day! There was no space for excuses! The more I studied, the more I recognized I wanted to study it even more. The more I prayed, the more I discovered I needed to pray even more! As I practiced God’s presence in my life, I understood I needed this every day! I desired God more than just in the morning when I said my daily prayers. I wanted Him throughout the day! I needed to show compassion more! I must meditate on God and the Bible every day! I needed Jesus so much! During this time, I was reminded of the song “Lord, I Need You” by Matt Maher , which spoke to my need for Jesus. It was true; I need Him! I couldn’t believe it! God transformed and changed me. He took away my desire to make shopping a priority and replaced it with my passion for others. He took my selfish, hopeless, and shameful self, and, radically, from the inside of my heart, removed these self-absorbed desires and motives. He renovated my heart, gave me new desires and perspectives, and helped me see others through God’s eyes. He gave me a complete transformation. I am forever changed! My experience did not stop when I left Africa, though; it continues today! Sure, I have moments when I become self-absorbed rather than absorbed by God, but those are becoming fewer. The more I focus on God, the more I see how little I need to focus on myself. I need Him! I enjoy reflecting on how God completely restored me to Himself. He renewed my spirit. He redirected my focus in life and my sense of purpose. He refilled and replenished the joy I had previously experienced, but now I have even more joy than that! My heart is full. He transformed me more into His image over time. And God continues to renew me every day. I am forever grateful for God’s grace, compassion, and love for me. I am not the same person I was before! Praise God for that. Here is how I explained this transformation experience in my first book, Forgiveness: Getting Beyond the Pain, Finding Peace with God and Others. I found God’s grace lavished on me, unlike any other time. It occurred by pursuing God daily, striving to know Him more personally, and desiring to represent Him appropriately through my actions and attitudes. For the first time, I experienced incredible freedom in Christ. The closer to Jesus I became, the more I realized that my Christian journey is not about earning salvation, grace, and peace. It became apparent that God was so much more than I ever expected. Christ continually conveys new knowledge to me as I open up to His guidance and wisdom. His grace is available to me in both the simple and challenging situations that arise. Restored! When I consider how God restored me to Himself, the words “restore” and “restoration” bring many thoughts to mind.