No One Knew

You are probably wondering why I am writing this book. Well, let me introduce myself. I am Michelle, and I am a forty-something female. I am a child of God, and I have been since I was 5 years old. I was married for 12 years and have now been divorced for over a year. I don’t do things half-heartedly; that goes for my work and relationships, so if I am in, I am all in. I struggle with anxiety and depression. My depression at times has led me to have suicidal ideation. There are actually two kinds of suicidal ideation: passive and active. Passive suicidal ideation occurs when you wish you were dead or that could die, but you do not formulate a plan to die by suicide. Active suicidal ideation, on the other hand, is not only thinking about it but having the intent to die by suicide, including planning how to do it.
I have struggled with both in my life. I never told anyone until I was in my late thirties. I will get into the details in the book. But I want you to know that many things along the way have affected me. I am going to say that the younger years and most of this book is retrospective of how I see it from my point of view now. Whether these are a true representation of what mental struggles look like or not is left to the professionals. This is my story, and how I have struggled, and that is not left up to anyone else to decide if that is right or wrong. I want to share my story to help others, so you know you are not alone, and hopefully, at the end, you can find at least one person with whom you feel comfortable talking. And most of all, I pray that God’s love fills you so you don’t have to feel empty. We all have a God shaped hole in us that only God can fill. And whatever you think about “religion, “ that isn't God. God tells us in the Bible “For God so loved the world (Michelle)that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever(Michelle) believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. “John 3:16. Now do me a favor and read that putting your name where it says world and whoever( put your name where mine is). Because God loves you and died for you to have a relationship with you.
I want to encourage you and help you understand that, even in your deepest struggles, when no one knows what you’re going through, you can still hold onto hope. Believe me, I know what it is like to cry when no one sees the pain, to wipe away the tears so that everyone thinks life isn’t so painful. I know what it’s like not to want anyone to know what you are dealing with, because that would burden them more, so I will just figure it out on my own. To overthink conversations, emails, texts, and even things people didn’t say, because your mind goes to the worst possible outcome. To suppress who you are to please everyone else because you think that is what they want you to do. Sometimes, the only reason I found to stay was because I didn’t want to set a bad example for my nieces or nephews. I did not want to disappoint my family. I would figure out this life, but I couldn’t disappoint or let them down. I guess my family was the reason I found to stay here and keep fighting. Find that reason every day, every moment.
I see you all, and I know how you feel. This book is what it’s like to figure it out on your own. What silence does to someone like me and sends my mind wandering in a million directions. How I overthink everything. Oh, and I hope you find it funny too. I tend to be a little sarcastic. I get the jokes from my grandpa and dad. They are both funny. I will also include a Bible verse for reflection at the end of each chapter, explaining how it relates to the chapter's content. And then a song, because as you will find out, I love music.
I wish I could sit down and have a conversation with you, as I love engaging in deep conversations. However, as I may not be able to have a conversation with everyone here on these pages, I would like to share some wisdom I have gained over several years.
The first three chapters will cover different phases of my life, including my younger years, late teens and twenties, and then my thirties and early forties. The next few chapters are different areas that have specifically affected me and how I struggled with those issues or worked through them. Then I will wrap it all up like a present. I like presents. And I also have notes and references.
I hope you find this encouraging.