Reconciled by Love

During our third child’s elementary school years, he first saw me dressed as a female one evening when I was home with our sons. He immediately asked me what I was doing, and I lied to him to cover it up. He called out to our oldest son and told him, “Dad is wearing a dress.” Since my older children had heard my testimony years earlier, my oldest son responded that mom (Teri) already knew. Teri did not know that I had started dressing again and certainly would never allow this behavior in our household. My sons were confused and did not understand what was going on. Teri was unaware of this until years later because I led her to believe I was no longer in bondage. Our firstborn son eventually saw me dressed as a woman years later, and I lied to him about the situation. Neither of my sons could understand what they had witnessed or the lies I had told them, and they said nothing to Teri about what they had seen. These lies implied that their mother was not only aware of what I was doing but also approved of it, leaving them feeling like they had no one to trust and confide in. The deception resulted in major confusion and rebellion in our sons, especially our oldest one, since their mother was the one who represented and demonstrated God to them. That secrecy lasted for nearly eight years. During that period, I continued dressing and became more entangled in self-deception. I did not know that my “secret” was about to be exposed. One weekend, Teri and I were taking our youngest son to tour a college. This trip was just a few days after he saw me cross-dressing a second time. Just like the time before, I misled him again. Throughout the eight years, I lied, both through omission and directly, to evade Teri’s questions and concerns she had because of the lack of peace in our home. Ephesians includes Paul’s charge to reveal sinful behaviors, such as lying, to the light. “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them” (Eph 5:11, ESV). Because of my earlier deception, our youngest son struggled to make sense of his experiences, which had a profound effect on his school performance and friendships. Since we already told the other children about the “testimony,” Teri believed he needed to also know about my life before going to college. She told him there were some things he needed to know about his father’s “past” life. He interrupted her and asked me to tell about what happened just a few days earlier. I defended myself, tried to deflect the truth, and lied to cover up what I had done. In that moment, years of self-hate, shame, and lies had me turn on my own son. It was then the lie started to fall apart. I could feel the fear of not knowing what was next and the callousness of not caring how my son and wife felt at that moment. My thoughts were consumed with self-preservation and selfishness. Despite the confusion I created, Teri listened to the Holy Spirit and understood that our son was speaking the truth. As stated in the Book of Ephesians, my own hardened heart, however, let darkness rule my life: “They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart” (Eph 4:18, ESV). Some years later, during an inner healing, the Holy Spirit revealed a deep fear of mental illness that was trying to take my sound mind. The Holy Spirit also revealed a deep sense of grief and heaviness that had been with me since early childhood. As I listened to the enemy’s voice, I began to rationalize my own self-protective behaviors, convincing myself that my actions were justified. I now understand that listening to the enemy will only lead you further into darkness. In contrast, God provides us with courage and self-control, as this passage in Timothy highlights: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Tim 1:7). I did not want to face what I had done to my family, and I certainly did not want to deal with the consequences of my decisions. Despite my stubbornness and defiance, I clung to the hope that I was not beyond redemption. A lack of unconditional love and discipline in my childhood, as well as my arrogant pride, kept me from receiving the healing and deliverance I needed. This also prevented me from understanding God’s grace, mercy, and, most importantly, His love for me. I felt as if my ‘confession’ to Teri many years earlier was sufficient and that I did not need to confess anything else. This wrong way of thinking nearly cost me my marriage and my relationship with my children.