Iridescent

So many nights out, waking up hung over and slowly with a pounding head and too much fear or shame to open my eyes, I’d stay in the dark a little while longer while I rehashed my demoralizing behavior and the stupid or mean or disgusting things I’d said or done the night before. Finally opening my eyes when I’d deemed, I’d do better today and would be done or whatever I had deemed to be not that bad, or as bad as the last time or hopefully better next time. Replenishing my damaged ego with thought’s and comparisons to whoever maybe acted worse or if I’d maybe not been as bad this time and surely this would be the last and so it was fine again, and I could open my eyes and get up and start a new, shrugging it off, everyone does it, who cares. Spending the day after eating and saying whatever I wanted and doing whatever I needed to feel better, usually involving a lot of distractions like full days of tv on the couch and misguided and neglectful treatment of my sweet supportive daughter and husband. Vacations, holidays, weddings, funerals, birthdays, presidents days, Mondays, Fridays, Saturdays, Thursdays, camping, concerts, shopping, skiing, dates, dinners; all drinking occasions. To start an event, to finish an event, to have an event, to go to an event, to be at an event. Drinking. I began to close one eye while driving, nearly getting a DUI with my sleeping, three-year-old daughter in the back seat, while hauling two empty beer kegs. Fortunately, I had not had enough that evening, when the officer let me go on the promise, I would call my husband to come to us rather than drive any further. Another time I got my small car stuck in a snowbank and left my car in the middle of the road, Sober, so I could go and drink. Another time I fought my sister in the street barefoot, hitting her over the head with a six pack, which led her to take off walking. Another time I yelled across a table at my friend for cheating on her husband, another time I yelled at another friend for cheating on her husband with someone I wanted to cheat on my husband with, and the worst time, cheating on my husband.