The Book of Reflections

Chasing Shadows Something I wrote in my early 30’s; during a time of uncertainty and constant change. Tommy and I were dealing with infertility issues while also studying to become ministers. There were so many beautiful moments where new friends inspired us and our young son brought so much joy to our lives. It was also a time of contemplation and facing the demons of past relationships and broken dreams. I wrote a narrative in my journal about one aspect of it. It had to do with feeling a little lost, or chasing shadows. This is part of what I wrote: I guess I have never taken the time to identify my own feelings of helplessness. Perhaps the experience of being unable to conceive a child has magnified the awareness that I have so little control over my own life. Growing up (maturing) means coming to accept the painful realities of life and, much like Peter Pan, I wish I could stay a child forever. Actually, I wish I could have been a child long ago. I came to understand this during a Child Abuse seminar I attended last June {1992}. During the all-day class we were asked to write a letter to God. The following paragraph was all I could pen: Of all days for me to be asked to write a letter to You, God … when I’m feeling so disappointed with Your decisions for my life. Will there ever be a time when I get to control what will happen for me? It seems You allowed others to steal my childhood and the freedom to just enjoy the little things. Will it ever be o.k. for me to have the things I want without feeling guilty or restricted? Evidently, the little girl within me still wrestles with her own shadow, trying to keep it in its place as I move toward the light. Unfortunately, it seems the closer I get to the light, the larger my shadow grows. It will be so wonderful to someday live in the light, rather than behind it. *********************************** What I Remember ~ {written many years later} During that Child Abuse Seminar I was very affected by the information and the stories of all types of childhood abuse. It all felt far too familiar to me and I became weakened to the point of tears. I folded both my arms on the table in front of me and buried my head as I began to cry uncontrollably for a long time. I tried to cry as quietly as I possibly could. No one said anything to me. It was like everyone knew I was going through some cathartic understanding and healing process. Since it is very unusual for me to cry in front of others, I was so embarrassed. I’m glad the instructor and other classmates had the discernment to leave me alone and respect the opening of a deep wound. At the same time, I felt so lost and all alone in my pain. It was an important moment in my journey toward reconciliation with God and with the people who have hurt me in my past. **************************************************************** {I realize now in hindsight that I really did have many happy memories from my childhood. They were just ‘hiding in the shadows’} January 5, 1986 Somewhere, there is a place where freedom Is more than just a word; Where rivers flow uninhibitedly And, flowers grow undisturbed. Somewhere, the lion plays in peace with all the timber babes. And tender hearts can rest assured beneath the autumn shade. Somewhere, thirsty souls are watered and hungry souls are fed; There, the dreams that have been shattered are brought back to life again. Somewhere, there is a home for orphaned hopes to dwell; Where hidden gifts are opened and potentials are fulfilled. ********************