Embrace His Children

Day 4: “These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.” –Psalm 42:4 (ESV) In 2019, my husband and I felt God calling us to adopt again and we decided to renew our home study. A range of emotions engulfed us as we stepped into this new chapter: excitement, fear, anxiety, and joy, to name a few. We signed up with an adoption agency and felt ready to take on what God called us to do. Quickly thereafter, we experienced the intensity of the agency adoption process. The competition among adoptive couples was high, we had to make quick decisions about whether or not to commit to situations, and navigate the emotions of not being chosen by birth parents for situations we opened ourselves up to. In August 2020, we were chosen and matched with a birth mother of a baby boy, due in October. We navigated the complexities of working with attorneys in multiple states, we paid thousands of dollars for the birth mom’s expenses, and emotionally connected with her. We told our daughter, who was 3 at the time, she would be a big sister. Everything seemed to be falling into place until it didn’t. In September 2020, we experienced a disruption that closed the door to our soon-to-be baby boy. I grieved as any pregnant mother would at a loss of her baby in utero. Not only did I feel this extreme grief, but we lost financially. My husband and I had broken hearts as our dreams to grow our family were shattered and we were confused. We felt isolated from God. If God had led us to the place of yes again, why did we experience such loss and grief? Then, I thought back to adopting our daughter and the immense joy I felt as I questioned God’s goodness and plan for my life, for our family. In the darkness, I sought God. I prayed, depended on Him, and I healed. God responded to the dark place I was in by shedding His light. Afterall, as John 1:5 says “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” God told me this failed adoption meant something to him because He knows pain and loss. He hurts when we hurt. I often think about that baby boy and where he is today as he helped make a difference in my life and the lives of other people, although I’ve never met him. I’m not exactly sure why we had an adoption disruption other than God closed the door, which led me to greater dependability on Him and used this experience to increase my relatability to other people who experience losing children through death, foster care and adoption disruptions. The sons of Korah, who wrote Psalm 42, expressed a deep dependence on God to meet their needs every day. They thirsted for God while feeling distant from him and, friend, that’s what he wants from you. A level of daily dependence on him to meet your needs. Some days I felt like I couldn’t make it but with God’s strength I kept going. Place your hope and your trust in him and he will carry you through what he has called you to do, no matter the highs or lows. What are you discouraged about that you can give to God today?