The Worshipping Heart

That Tuesday our team had worship practice. I remember sitting outside of the church in my car and praying. I said, “God I don’t think I can do this.” I was so fragile that you could blow on me and I would collapse like a house of cards. I walked in and told the worship team what was going on and asked for prayer. “Guys,” I said. “I honestly don’t know if I can do this, but I’m here.” I asked for prayer and tried my hardest to hold it together. The two team members there that evening began to pray for me, and I sat and listened to their prayers. I remember thinking, “They can’t possibly understand what I am feeling right now.” The drummer prayed, “Lord, I thank you she has a song in her heart.” A song in my heart? I thought, “What song is that!?!? What song could I possibly sing in this moment?” How could I sing? I couldn’t even speak. I dared not speak, because I didn’t know what would come out. How could I lead anyone else into worship when I could barely open my mouth? I felt like I was being held together by Elmer’s glue that had not yet fully dried. I knew if I opened my mouth I was going to fall apart, and I didn’t know how I was going to sing let alone lead a worship service. In this moment, I was at a loss. How can I worship at a time like this with all sincerity? Searching my heart and mind it struck me. Suddenly something rose up in me. What do you mean you don’t have a song? Has God done nothing for me? Has He not been faithful to me? Is there NO reason at all to worship? Through the recesses of my mind, I began to dig through every situation God had ever been there for me or my family. It’s important to note here, there was no music to accompany this act. No emotional pull to praise, no comfort in this time of loss. There was nothing more than a choice. God had been good to me, or He had not. He was either worthy of praise in this moment or He wasn’t. This was in no way an emotional response. The only song I could think to sing in a time like this was “I Know that You are for me” and “You are Good.” So, I pulled those songs, and we began to worship. The presence of the Lord came down and there was a strong prophetic anointing right there in the middle of practice. We began to just worship in the spirit and flow with the Holy Spirit as He moved. The level of anointing in the room was shocking. After everyone else left, I stayed and continued worshiping. God met me in such a tangible way. I just stood in the presence of God worshiping and declared His goodness, and His faithfulness to me even in this situation, listing each account of goodness with my memory as possible. I have encountered the Lord before, in his faithfulness and His goodness, but in this moment, I encountered a new and greater revelation. Standing at the piano I began to weep until I couldn’t stand any more. Falling on my face, I wept and cried like I had not cried before. I began to wail. Suddenly, I felt water as if I was laying in it. This water began to rise. I had my hands outstretched in front of me, clenched into fists. The wails turned into a scream. I felt like I was in water, and I had my brother by the shirt collar holding on to Him. I pounded my fist on the floor three times. The sound of a gavel being struck echoed in my ears reverberating as if in a large hollow room. I was suddenly taken before the courtroom of heaven, where my cries were being heard. I was before the throne of heaven.