Living in the Space Between

We all have a picture of how our lives will turn out. And usually, we are wrong. I was wrong. I thought I had a pretty good idea of what some of the twists and turns ahead of me would be, but I actually had no idea.

For example, I have always loved the outdoors. I was excited about the idea of learning new skills, even though I wasn’t a master of anything. I loved the thrill and adventure of outdoor sports. Not team sports, but outside-the-box sports that push you mentally and physically. I was also passionate about young people and helping them heal and grow. I thought that one day I would combine these two passions and lead some kind of outdoor therapy program, maybe vocationally, or maybe I would just volunteer. I could see camping, whitewater rafting, hiking, rock climbing — all of it — being a part of this dream.

Looking back over my thirty-five years, I don’t have a lot of regrets. I have lived my life fully. For the first twenty-seven years of my life, I accepted opportunities to live faithfully outside my comfort zone, something I highly recommend. I have lived in multiple states and multiple countries as I have followed the Lord’s prompts. But this story proves that we can never know what the future holds for us. It may be different than we ever imagined, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be as good or even better than we imagined.

I talk a lot about medical things in the pages that follow, and while I have had to learn a lot, I do not claim to be an expert. I am not a medical professional, and in fact, most of what I know is from watching Grey’s Anatomy, searching Google, or relying on my own untrustworthy memories. I do not promise 100 percent accuracy in my knowledge of the medical world, but I do promise 100 percent honesty. I am a believer in Jesus Christ and in all that the Bible teaches about our Father God and His Son, Jesus. As you read, you’ll see my faith on full display through my story.

I didn’t set out to write a book. This began simply as my honest processing — a quiet unfolding between me and the Lord. Words scribbled in the margins of grief, healing, waiting, and hope. It was never meant to be polished, only real. I wrote this to tell my story and to capture what I have learned about myself and my Savior through an impossibly difficult circumstance. I may have wanted to find answers to my many, many questions through writing them out. But what I discovered is that though God is always revealing truths — truths I hope this writing conveys — and while we are always growing, the answers I want simply do not exist in this life. There is no lovely bow that ties up our struggles. We simply have to keep moving forward, trusting that God is in the Space Between.

This book was written over several years, and the journey isn’t over yet. I am very much in the middle of this story, and I am sure more lessons will come. But I wanted to share some of what my story, mainly in the first three years of healing after life-changing brain surgery, has taught me. These are some of the things I have been able to honestly record in the midst of the hard, the unimaginable, the Space Between my past life and my present one.

My hope and prayer is that someone reading this could feel encouraged knowing that they aren’t alone in their suffering, they aren’t the only one asking the hard questions. I hope my story serves as a reminder that the journey to a new perspective isn’t pretty and definitely isn’t easy. It is okay to fail miserably — there is grace — but we can’t stop fighting. This book is about fighting for eternal perspective. Relentlessly fighting. I also hope that my story of suffering connects to the deeper truth that we all have a story of suffering, and that it reminds us of the importance of stepping into others’ suffering, no matter the cost to us. Because no one wants to suffer alone, and simply showing up could be an opportunity to save a life.

Suffering looks different for all of us. I am under no illusion that my experience exists in a vacuum, and I have to acknowledge that a lot has gone well for me — but the good unfortunately doesn’t cancel out the impact of heartbreaking situations. This isn’t a pretty before-and-after story where I can show you how things worked out. This is a real story, this is an unfinished story, this is a story of life in the Space Between. And though this is my unique story, it is also hopefully a universal picture of what it means to hold onto faith in the face of impossible grief.

This is my attempt at describing my understanding of the light at the end of the tunnel while still feeling like I am living in the darkness of the unknown. This is some of what I have come to know. I hope these thoughts illustrate that where Jesus is, there is no darkness. I may be struggling to see my way through the tunnel, but He has and will continue to be a light piercing the darkness.