I start walking as I look at the map… it just looks like a bunch of squiggles and scribbles… almost like a toddler drew it, but… I’m determined to figure this out. I’m still walking, but I’m going slower than before. I don’t notice when everyone else passes me up, or when I suddenly came to a stop, or when I started walking again towards the side of the path, or when I actually stepped off of the path. I’m so consumed in this map that I don’t realize that I’m actually following one of the trails that’s marked, growing further and further away from the path, or even the cave walls that are starting to surround me, my world growing darker with every step I take... and I especially don’t realize when one of the beasts little minions climbs up my side and sits on my shoulder. The whispers started out so quietly, just barely even there, honestly, I can’t even tell if the voice is from that little beast or my own mind
“You’re worthless. You’re pathetic. If he wouldn’t walk with you, who would? You sad little wimp. You couldn’t even tell him how you feel. How could you be so stupid? You’ll never be happy. You’ll never be loved…”
“Shut up” I mumbled to myself. The little beast’s grin grew
“Did you really think he actually cared about you? Do you actually think anyone could actually care about you?”
“Shut Up!” I said a little louder, I began to pick up my pace, going further into the darkness
“You know, you strayed off the path, *gasp* and this is your second time… do you really think the Stranger could actually forgive you?”
“I said Shut UP!” I spoke louder as my walking became jogging
“You know you don’t deserve it. You know you don’t deserve to even stand outside the gate of your ‘new home’” the voice was getting louder
“Shut Up!” the jog became a canter
“Just look at what you are doing now, do you REALLY think you DESERVE forgiveness?”
“Just STOP IT!” I shouted. It was getting darker
“The best part, you know these are lies… and yet… you keep listening… the Stranger must be so disappointed”
“SHUT UP!” I finally shouted, as I grew faster in trying to escape my own thoughts
“Oh, but really, you know the truth… nobody cares about you, heck, I bet if you were to just, oh, I don’t know, DISAPPEAR, NO ONE would even NOTICE!” it was getting louder
“YOU’RE WRONG! SOMEONE WOULD NOTICE… I’M SURE OF IT! I’M NOT ALONE… I’M NOT!!!” I tried to defend myself
“I beg to differ… I mean, you’re such a goody two-shoes… always trying to keep in the front of the line, next to the Stranger, and yet… no one has even noticed that you’ve strayed away”
“no”
“No one is coming”
“No”
“No one cares”
“NO!”
“I mean, WHY would ANYONE CARE ABOUT YOU?!”
“STOP IT!” I strained my eyes as I tried to see the map in the darkness
“You’re just a sad, pathetic, little wimp who can’t even ask for help… I mean, how else would anyone even REALIZE that you feel so alone?”
“Shut UP!!”
“Nobody cares… nobody is coming… Nobody is going to help you… Nobody even realizes you NEED help”
“Please… Stop” I couldn’t hold back the tears as I ran as fast as my legs could carry me
“You’re too far lost, you’re going to die… nobody would notice if you died… in fact, why don’t you die?” I froze in place as my eyes widened
“What?” my voice is shaking with fear… I could feel distant, vile eyes on me
“Yes, that’s right… this is too much… you’ll NEVER get over your heartbreak, and really, WHO could ever POSSIBLY love someone like YOU? It would be better to just end it now…”
“no…”
“so just do it…”
“No…”
“Come on, KILL yourself… JUST GO AHEAD AND DIE!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” I screamed as I fell to my knees, covering my ears with my hands… I tried to block it out, but the voice kept getting louder, and louder, over and over again, telling me to take my own life. I couldn’t stop the tears as I gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut. I knew what was happening. I knew it was a lie, I knew it was wrong, but that STUPID voice just would not SHUT UP!!! “HELLLLLLLLLLLP!” I screamed. It was pitch black “HELLLLLLLLLLLP!” I knew what to do, but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to do it… I literally had to force the words to come out “MR. THE WAY!!! HELLLLLLLLLLP!!!” I gasped for breath “HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! MR. THE WAY!!! HELLLLLLLLLLP!!” suddenly I felt a weight being torn from my shoulder. I looked up to see Mr. The Way strangling the now, quite large minion. He was so bright, and so beautiful in the dark, I couldn’t stop the silent tears that threatened to fall… He came… even though I strayed from Him again… He actually came… I tried to stand, I wanted to go to Him, but my legs caved underneath me, being as strong as jell-o. He caught me just before I hit the ground, and picked me up, carrying me out of the cave, back towards the path.
“You must drop the map”
The map… I hadn’t even realized I was still holding onto it… my grip tightened as I refused to let it go
“You must let it go”
I was on the verge of tears “I can’t… what if I get lost again?”
“you are never too lost for Me to find you. I am ready at any moment to come find you and bring you back, if only you will call for Me.”