DEPRESSION, SCHIZOPHRENIA, and SUICIDE

Afraid of the Rain Rain did not ever bother me in my past. I even rode motorcycles in it at times. But now, my mind was in a terrible state of weakness. One day, I struggled, as I did most times now, to answer a phone call. Someone kept asking me to come do a quick job. After much nervousness and fear, his gentle voice convinced me to do it. As I drove there, there were clouds of darkness and depression strong in my mind. At times, my body would shiver and shake. My voice would mumble off and on. There was also a hazy feeling in my mind. The day itself, was also cloudy and dark. Shortly before I arrived at the place of the job, it started to rain. As I watched the rain hit the windows, a great fear arose in me. Then, I began to shake harder, like little tremors running through me. I began to mumble at the rain, as a great and powerful darkness seemed to rise in me. The fear became stronger and stronger as I saw the rain drops. I pulled over to the curb at where I was supposed to meet the man for the job. I sat shaking more violently as the fear rushed through me at the sight of the rain. This fear of rain was something new and terrifying. Tears began to pour down my face. I sat there hoping no one would come near me. I realized I could not get out of my vehicle due to the fear. I was terrified of the drops of rain hitting the windows. The tears poured down my face as my body shook more and more violently. After a few moments of this, I began to talk to God out of total fear. I began begging God to stop the rain, telling him how scared I was and that I could not move unless it stopped. The tears poured down my face as I shook with fear. I begged, “Please, please, God, stop the rain.” I began to think that the amount of fear inside me would actually stop my heart, it was so strong. As I asked God again, I noticed the rain started to slow, then it slowed more. Then it stopped. As I wiped the tears from my eyes, I slowly looked around wondering if God did this. Then I saw across the street it was still raining. I watched it a few minutes until I realized God must have done this. I laid my chin down on my chest, and more tears came, thinking how weak I must be. When the tears finally stopped, I sat thanking God over and over and over. God Loves You – The Note I remember, as I parked another night in a store lot, I looked at the snow coming down through the parking lot lights at night. I was shaking and trembling, mumbling fear under my voice. I then laid over in the seat of my car, terribly frightened, and afraid to get out. I was asking God silently to please take my life. In my mind, I felt only darkness, sadness, and a terrible gloom. The voices in my mind started screaming loudly, “God hates you. God hates you.” Then I thought I heard something like a tapping. As I lay shaking on the seat, again I heard a tapping noise now louder than before. As I slowly looked up, I saw a shadow by the driver’s side window. The voices in me told me to ignore it. Then, the tapping started again, louder. I saw the shadow still at the window. I slowly sat up as I looked out into the snowy night, and in the lights from the lot I saw a coat with a large fur type hood so thick it covered the person’s face. It looked like a woman’s coat because of the fur around the hood, but it was so thick I could not see a face. Again, the person tapped the window. As I began to very slowly roll the window down, the window was only down about 3 or 4 inches when a white piece of paper came in and landed on my lap. As I looked up the person was walking away. Not a word was said. As I opened the paper, it said, “God loves you.” As I looked up, the person was slowly disappearing into the snowy lights of the night. I started to cry harder now, as I laid back down. Thinking how God brought someone I never saw or knew, to tell me this. Still crying because of the fear and weakness in my mind, I felt so horribly lost. I managed to finally get out, and go into the store. As I often did now, I would stop in the store, and stare at the floor and things for long, long moments, feeling lost and terribly confused. I felt like a five-year-old child, so helpless at times. I would wander the aisles mumbling and terribly confused. Tears would usually come down my face as I walked, wondering why God won’t take my life as I have asked. Sometimes the fear and sadness would be like a burst of lightning in my mind, coming in so fast and strong. I tried to think of the note the person left in my window, about how God loved me. But the voices and depression were raging against it to shut it out. It became a common thing for me to wander into a store this way for a long time after this..