The Meditations of My Heart

I read a recent poll of more than 3,000 couples that said couples argue seven times a day on average, for about 2,500 arguments each year! I smiled and grimaced at the same time as I thought of Vanessa and me. We have been married for 28 years! So, if we are “typical,” that makes for…a lot of arguing! (70,000-plus? I sure hope not!) I don’t know about those numbers, but what I do know is that disagreements in marriage are inevitable, and talking them through is essential. Couples arguing is a healthy component of a growing, mature relationship. When you reach the point where you don’t care to hash it out anymore – that can be more concerning! I still remember a dear friend telling me years ago that he and his wife never argued. I was so saddened a few years later when their divorce was final. It’s a well-worn cliché, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true: we can disagree without being disagreeable. Putting two people together, each bringing their own “stuff” to the table, means that fights will happen. Each individual brings “his and hers,” their own personalities, life experiences, and other factors that have shaped them into who they are. Our interpretations of experiences and events don’t always jibe and line up – even how we see the very same event. That doesn’t necessarily mean that either party is wrong! But if you’re going to fight, ‘fight right.’ In our early years, I regret to say that arguments led me to retreating inward, to sulking, to being quiet. Vanessa on the other hand was often quick and willing to move past the kerfuffle and move on. I’m thankful today for the godly grace she afforded me all those yesterdays ago. We are both Type A personalities who know what we want. Hers is more extroverted than mine, but don’t mistake a quieter personality (depending on the circumstances) for one that is less confident or certain of what he or she wants. That would be a mistake. We have learned a few rules of the relationship road when it comes to fussin’ and cussin,’ and we would like to share those with you: 1. No Cussin!’ Be Careful in What You Say and How You Say It Emotions can boil over quickly so practice your breathing – literally! Take a deep breath and give a thoughtful, measured response rather than sounding off or responding with a blast! Never resort to name-calling or insults. This is your spouse – someone you should treasure and always endeavor to honor! "Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." That old saying was dead wrong – words can and do hurt. Choose your words wisely. 2. Try and See Things from Your Spouse’s Point of View I remember the lyrics from an old Don Henley song, Long Way Home. He sang There's three sides to every story, baby There's yours and there's mine and the cold, hard truth The truth is often somewhere in between. You may be completely justified in your frustration, your anger, your hurt. But it’s still so important to sincerely consider your spouse’s perspective during arguments. Could it be that he/she also has a point? Very often, it’s not black and white – it is shades of gray! 3. Listen With Your Heart as Well As Your Ears Don’t just talk to be talking to “get your point across.” LISTEN to what your spouse is saying, and when they are talking, give them the floor without interruption. And put the phone down or turn away from the television or the computer. LOOK at your mate – give your spouse your undivided attention! The objective is resolution, and both sides have something to say. Because at the end of the day, you’re on the same side. There is not one winner and one loser. Either you both win or you both lose. The divorce courts are littered with so many who might say “I won the battle.” But sadly, for them and their families, they lost the war.