HAL…lelujah

was at a crossroads in my life and had to come to a decision to either fall apart or lean on God. Having been saved at a young age, I knew God had never left my side. Up until I started facing these new trials in my life, I had been consistent with my quiet times. I went from having a quiet time every morning to missing days and sometimes even weeks. When I would make time to spend with Him, He always welcomed me back with open arms. Time and time again, I would feel His unconditional love for me, and I made the decision to start going back to Him every day. I was not yet fully healed from those trials, but I decided to let God lead me through it. He would speak to me through scriptures and little “God-winks” that I feel led me to answers to some of my questions and prayers. Even if those answers were not necessarily what I wanted to hear. During this time, God birthed an idea deep in my soul. In a still, quiet voice, He told me to write a book. This was startling to me. Me? Write a book? I told the Lord, “I can’t!” To which He reminded me those words were from the enemy to keep me in my valley. I began writing my thoughts down during my quiet times. When I finished, I realized that these were not my thoughts, but God’s words that He was directly speaking to me! He used me as a vessel to put His words on paper. I was the pen and paper, but He was the Author! I recognized that the Lord was using me, but the enemy still clouded my mind with doubt. Doubts that I could not do this. Doubts about how God could use someone like me. Eventually, even though I knew what God was calling me to do, the doubts became overwhelming, and I put down the pen. All of that changed one morning when God started a journey that would finally bring me back to Him and allow Him to bring to fruition the work He had started. Little did I know that it was going to come in the form of the most unbearable of heartaches. May 12, 2019, Mother’s Day, I got a phone call that I had lost my oldest son, Hal, to an overdose. I was destroyed. My world stopped and I could not breathe, walk or talk. The pain of losing anyone is heartbreaking, but unfortunately, from experience I can tell you that the pain of losing a child is debilitating. I would like to tell you that I immediately picked up the pen and let God use me again, but that is not the case. I was totally broken, a shell of the person I once was. For months I did not know who I even was and when I realized who I was, I did not like that person at all. Not only was I on this turbulent roller coaster ride that did not seem to stop, but I took those who I love and who love me along with me. In my darkest days I would cry out to God saying “God, it is NOT well with my soul, but one day it will be...”. I would repeat this over and over both in my mind and out loud. But this pain was so excruciating, I just didn’t seem to care about anything. Six months or so had gone by and I decided to go on a run. As I was about halfway though I stopped dead in my tracks, looked up, and said “it is well with my soul!” I fell to my knees and began to cry like I never have cried before. My eyes were on fire, but there was a relieving cleansing that took place with those tears. It was as if those tears gave me a sense of peace. At that very moment I could hear a soft voice deep down in my spirit saying “write the book!” I began to go through my boxes of notes I had written so long ago and prayed to my Heavenly Father for Him use me once again to complete the work He started in me. I picked the pen back up. He once again started to allow me to write His words and showed me old journal notes from years past where He was preparing for this even back then. Through me, He created HAL…lelujah – A Mother’s Story of Love, Loss, and Faith Through it All. There is no doubt that there is always purpose in the pain. Even if one person can find joy though sadness and beauty for ashes by reading these words, then I have done what my God has called me to do!