You Did What? Why?

“A man’s character is his fate,” Heraclitus “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer myself who do it, but the sin living in me. For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing,” ” Romans 7:15-18 NIV We have looked at how we live; who and what we show the world in our iceberg example, and the choices we make that keep us in a pattern of pain. I want to go deeper in looking at the “what we do” and the “why we do it’. In any given experience, choice, decision, we will behave a certain way-the what, and the motivation driving that choice is the reason, the “why”-we chose that repeatedly. Paul says, “why do I do what I do? (And keep doing it!) and why don’t I do what I need to do?” in Romans 7. He knows he is making the same choice and expecting different results (insanity), but keeps doing it! Do you feel stuck in a pattern you cannot break? You WANT to stop, but find yourself back looking at porn, taking that drink, clicking on the buy now in your cart, or calling a friend to gossip about another? We all can fall into this trap. We all sin. The scriptures say, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” in Romans 3:23 NIV. Dr. Terry and Sharon Hargove, at Pepperdine University, who initially worked with addicts; observing the “what” their clients continually would do and then addressing the “why” they would do it, They have a surplus of resources for family counseling, communication, relationships, and life issues that can help you. www.pepperdine.edu. I found this program to clearly and succinctly address our behavior and why we do it, as well as provide real answers to our destructive patterns in conflict. After all, we all struggle with some addiction, or hurtful behavior that takes us away from God. Four ways of coping with our pain/conflict/stress: Blame-others, circumstances; do not take responsibility for your part in the conflict or bad choice. Tends to not self-regulate or reflect; blame others comes easier as it deflects all responsibility off the person onto another. Shame-self, “should have, shouldn’t have”, something wrong with me. Beats up self. Negative self-talk; spirals into dark places of feeling trapped. Control-others, situation; tries to fix, enable, rescue from fear of rejection or abandonment. Always working on fixing the person or problem, rather than allow others to fail and learn from their failure. Playing “God”; stepping in and not allowing God to work in and with that person and allow for growth. Escape-withdraw, addictions, avoidance; escape in substance abuse, self-harm, pornography, buying, gossiping, binge-watching, video games, sleep, medication: self or prescribed, avoidance of difficult conversations, or revolving-door relationships; quitting when someone gets too close; not willing or able to be transparent or vulnerable, a runner-running from jobs, people, places, anything that may challenge the person’s fear.