Journal of a Waiting Woman

September 5, 2013 “I am so sorry. Please, pray and give me privacy.” -Facebook I did not want to remember. I have been keeping journals since I was eleven years old. Why would I document any of this? I was entering the darkest season of my life, and I felt the Holy Spirit stirring in me to write. What would I write? How hurt I was, how embarrassed I was, and how confused I was? Sure, that would be in there. But God wanted me to write more. Strategy. Honesty. Transparency. A journal of a waiting woman. But waiting for what? Restoration. Healing. I remember thinking that the process of restoration would take less than a year. I even had a scripture for it. Jeremiah 17:8 (NIV) says, “They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in A YEAR of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” I believe in the truth of God’s Word, and I latched on to this verse as pertaining to my situation. It had to be for me, right? I could do this for a year. Little did I know that start to finish would be a lot longer than that. It would not be an easy, cut and dried process. The truth of God’s word did not fail me. I used scripture to try to dictate God’s will and timing. It doesn’t work like that, folks! God had a perfect plan for my story. Satan tempted Jesus in the wilderness by using scripture. He knows scripture. I remember the year coming to an end and I felt such disappointment. It cast a shadow of doubt that the enemy would try to use over the remainder of my journey to restoration. Everyone supported me in my journey. Sadly, this is not true. There were those that would stand in faith with me, but they felt like few. The majority, especially as time waned, would wish me to move on. There are many reasons for this, and now I understand more. I’m not angry at them. People didn’t want to see me hurting anymore. People didn’t believe that Cal deserved me. People were angry at my husband. I had “biblical reason” to move on. People couldn’t see themselves fighting the way that I was, and there may have been some guilt in that thought process. I heard so many reasons to let him go. But God said no. It was difficult to start my journey journal. A vocal professor from college told my voice class to write things down to help with the memorization process. That is fine and dandy for memorizing a song, but this was different. I didn’t start my journal right away. I still needed a little convincing from the Lord. I am a private person, but I was living a very public life. People were asking my family questions, and I knew that I had to have some transparency online. People will draw their own conclusions otherwise. Rumor mills flourish in dark places. I wanted people to pray. I made some rules for myself. I would not bad mouth my husband and I would be discreet in my details. I would not pretend like everything was ok when it was not. I wanted to show faith but be honest when I needed help in my faith. I wanted to be encouraged and I wanted to encourage others. I wanted a Testimony.