So you want to marry me?

Preface

How many times have you said to yourself, “If only I could have a do over with what I know now.” In the process of living, you have learned many valuable lessons that, had you known earlier, would have had an impact on your decision making.

An important area of life that concerns many people is marriage. Failed marriages are very painful because often in retrospect the parties come to realize what could have been if only they had been more thoughtful in choosing. For those who have experienced the anguish of a failed marriage or those who wish to enter into a fulfilling marriage, learning from your own experience or that of others can help you in choosing a spouse.

This book is written for those providing pre-marriage counseling and those seeking pre-marriage counseling. It presents important questions that should be carefully considered before getting married. The questions are derived from my observations as a pastor counseling many couples both before and after marriage. Many times those in counseling are not themselves clear on the answers to these questions, let alone the answers of their potential spouse. Candid answers to the questions will give you critical insight about yourself and information about your loved one, which, if taken into consideration prior to the marriage, will lead to better decision making and ultimately fewer divorces.

Chapter 1: The Wedding Was Beautiful!

Finally, the dream of a lifetime, you are getting married. You believe you have found the one! The future offers only the blissful fulfillment of your dreams even though, honestly, you have given little thought to whether or not those aspirations line up with the aspirations of your fiancé. In fact, you have made the frequently flawed assumption that you both want the same things.

During the courting process, each of you put forth your best foot. Fastidious attention was given to appearance and agreement on superficial matters. The response to most requests was an unhesitant “yes.”

Clothes were carefully considered. Hair was perfectly coifed, make-up applied, perfume or aftershave carefully selected before each meeting. Parents and family members handled with kid gloves. Serious matters carefully avoided or, even worse, not thought relevant to the decision to get married. Absolutely nothing was allowed to get in the way of the wedding.

In most cases, more time and effort was spent on planning the actual wedding, lasting on average about thirty minutes, than on preparation for the marriage itself - thought to last for a lifetime.

Chapter 2: The “Must Have” Conversations

This chapter contains the questions begging answers that are critical to establishing a successful and enduring marriage, organized into a discussion guide. (See also a worksheet in Appendix II, which may be filled out by each prospective partner.) There are no right or wrong answers, just honest or dishonest. Your initial reaction may be that this questionnaire is too long and will require more time than you are initially willing to give. I believe it is important for you to understand and accept this premise:

The magnitude of your investment of time in getting to know each other directly correlates to the likelihood of marital success. Little time spent before marriage results in little likelihood of a successful marriage.