Managing Conflict God's Way
Principles & Skills for Peacemaking
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THE TWO GREAT COMMANDMENTS In Matthew 22, Jesus was asked what he considered to be the great commandment in the Old Testament. He gives his answer in verses 37-40: “Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” That answer immediately alerts us to the importance of relationships and the need to manage our personal conflicts from a heart of love. “On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” Fulfilling these two great commandments is what it is all about. Everything else is just details. Religion that fails at these two points is worthless. It is all about our vertical relationship with God and our horizontal relationships with people. In the New Testament, the primary principle for conflict management is very simply: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” If that does not happen, and we only learn skills and techniques, we run the risk of becoming expert manipulators rather than godly peacemakers. The only way we can fulfill this second great commandment is to live in obedience to the first great commandment. It is through our relationship with God that we receive the love needed to care about our neighbor as ourselves. Romans 5:5 declares: “Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Where do we get the love that we must have for our neighbor? We must get it from the one and only source of authentic love: the God who is love (1 John 4:8). Frederick Bruner writes: “Love of God gives to the love of neighbor the fuel, warmth, resources, motivation, and purpose that neighbor love so constantly needs” (emphasis Bruner’s). “God’s love in us is the engine that inspires us to release love towards others.” As we study conflict management, we should always keep these two great commandments in mind. A BIBLICAL UNDERSTANDING OF LOVE In his upper-room discourse, Jesus gave his followers the commandment to love one another “as I have loved you” (John 13:34). What did he mean by that phrase? How did Jesus love his disciples? John opened his narrative, known as the upper-room discourse, by commenting on the consistency of Jesus’s love for his disciples. In John 13:1, he wrote this about Jesus: “Having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end.” He loved them, although one was betraying him. He loved them, although Peter would deny him. He loved them even though they would all forsake him when he needed them most. His love was not quenched by their failures. His love endured the good times and the bad times. There is a thing we call love that is very fragile. It depends on how we “feel” about the person. It is hot or cold depending on how that person is treating us at the time. Human affection is like that. But divine love is not reactive; it is proactive. It seeks the highest good for the other person, regardless of how that person is treating us. If your attitudes and behavior towards others is a response of like kind, then your character will be defined by them. You are giving them too much power. Jesus taught a proactive love in the Sermon on the Mount: “You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you not to resist [oppose] an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also” (Matt. 5:38-39). That is a counter-intuitive response. Our natural inclination is tit for tat. But the counsel of the Lord is to not allow the other person’s actions to define what we do. Do right regardless of what the other person does. Take the initiative and move the interaction from hate and offense to love and compassion. The most fundamental concept for conflict management is divine love. Years ago, I came across a definition of love that has been most helpful. I found it in a little book written by Charles Finney entitled Love Is Not a Special Way of Feeling. There, he defines love as seeking the highest good for all parties. It’s not a feeling; it’s an action word. When you study 1 Corinthians 13, you find Paul using action verbs to describe love. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:4-7). Love is something you do! It is defined by the way you behave toward other people. There may or may not be feelings. It is the action that defines whether love is there or not. Finney’s definition of love has proved practical and useful in my interactions with people. If I can genuinely seek the other person’s highest good, I have a firm foundation for relating to that person in a healthy way. Especially when I’m in a conflict, I make sure I’m seeking the other person’s highest good. That does not necessarily mean I agree with the person. It does not necessarily mean I do what the person wants me to do. But I seek the best outcome for the other person as well as for myself.
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About the Book
Managing Conflict God’s Way is more than just a helpful book—it’s a timely and Spirit-led resource that speaks directly to the heart of where so many of us live and lead: in the often messy, complicated world of human relationships. Rooted in Scripture and filled with practical wisdom, this book guides and equips pastors and Christian leaders with everyday tools to move beyond avoidance or aggression and toward healing and reconciliation—even in life’s hardest moments. As a former pastor, I know how easily unresolved conflict can tear at the fabric of a church, break families apart, and damage the witness of the gospel. That’s why this book matters. It offers more than just strategies and skills—it invites you into a Christ-centered way of living and leading, grounded in the call to “love your neighbor as yourself.” In today’s divided world, this book is both a timely and transformative guide—a much-needed resource for the church. I wholeheartedly recommend Managing Conflict God’s Way to every Christian leader who desires to walk in peace and guide those they lead on the path of a true peacemaker.
Dr. John BattagliaDirector of the Doctor of Ministry program
Professor of Practical Theology
Assemblies of God Theological Seminary
The writing is clear, thoughtful, and grounded in both biblical truth and sound conflict theory. It begins with a thorough discussion of Scripture and its mandates for managing relationships and conflict, then moves into an extensive exploration of conflict theory, principles, and strategies. While it covers standard topics in the field, it also addresses areas not typically found in conflict texts. For example, the discussion of interests and satisfaction goes beyond the basics to offer detailed strategies for collaboration. Topics such as building trust, recognizing boundaries, seizing the opportunities of conflict, forgiveness and reconciliation, confrontational communication, and the dangers of demonizing others are all handled with depth and originality—supported by Scripture, contemporary conflict theory, and a rich tapestry of examples drawn from Richard’s extensive professional experience in both secular and faith-based contexts.
Charlene A. Berquist, Ph.D.Emeritus Professor and Former Director, Center for Dispute
Resolution Missouri State University
Co-Founder Communication and Conflict Management Associates (CCMA)
About the Author
Richard Tow, DMin, is the managing partner of Hollingsworth, Tow & Associates, LLC, where he provides conflict management consulting, mediation, and training seminars. As an adjunct professor at the Assemblies of God Theological Seminary, he teaches this subject to doctoral students and has taught it for graduate students at Missouri State University. During his corporate career, Dr. Tow was a C.P.A. and served on the contract negotiating team for Bell Helicopter Textron. He has pastored churches for over 40 years and was a Divisional Superintendent in his denomination. He and his wife, Jeanie, reside in Springfield, Missouri.