Refilling The Chaplain’s Cup

Introduction Contrary to what many of our friends may think, John and I don’t always get along. Like every couple that has been married longer than the honeymoon, we have rough patches. That was the case in August 2022. Nothing illuminates discord with more accuracy than a trip to the grocery store. John insists on doing the driving, a task that he assumes comes under the nebulous job description of a husband. “Turn right,” I suggested with a hint of irritability. John went through the light without turning. “I’m taking the scenic route,” he replied, as if he was bestowing an unexpected gift on me. I made no attempt to hide my irritability. “I don’t want the scenic route. I’m in a hurry. Grocery shopping isn’t the only thing on my list of things to do today.” My answer was supposed to remind him that my wifely chores are extremely cumbersome and important. “So why don’t you tell me where you’d like me to turn, since apparently I’m not meeting your expectation?” His tone of voice communicated hurt feelings and frustration. Lately it seemed like everything I said was an arrow into his heart. Everything he said to me felt like a discount of how hard I worked to maintain our home and our life. John’s feelings were hurt if I didn’t notice he’d taken out the trash. Mine were hurt if he didn’t “ohhhh” and “ahhhh” over the grilled onions I put on his pot roast, an extra element that Chef Gordon Ramsey would have applauded. We each needed something that the other wasn’t providing. It was a long and frosty drive to the grocery store and home again. What was wrong with us? That evening, I asked John to print two copies of Gary Chapman’s love language assessment. Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, has always been our quickest and least expensive marriage counselor. Again, it did the trick. John needed more words of affirmation, which explained why even the vaguest verbal criticism wounded him to the core. I needed more gifts. Our wedding anniversary came and went with minimal fanfare, and I felt underappreciated as a wife. My hurt feelings might have been assuaged with a bouquet of flowers. A scenic drive to the grocery store felt like a meager contribution. Once we analyzed our answers and quickly got back in sync, John took me to the waterfront for street tacos, one of our favorites. We were driving home—on the scenic route—when John shared with me his concern for one of the chaplains he watches over for our denomination. There had been a frightening encounter with a mental health client. John had listened and offered words of wisdom, but did his chaplain understand the need to deliberately take extra care of his heart now that he was safe again? “I reminded him to pay attention to his self-care,” he explained. I wondered through several minutes of silence. “John, what exactly does that mean? Self-care looks different for different people.” We were both quiet for a while before I asked, “Would it be helpful if there was an assessment tool that chaplains could use to identify what self-care looks like in their lives? It wouldn’t be exactly like love languages, but devised in the same spirit. For instance, some chaplains might need to go home and have an evening of prayerful silence, when someone else might be spiritually revived by spending the evening surrounded by loving family. What if we created a tool that could help them deliberately choose the self-care that works best for each of them?” We discussed this all the way home and into the night. For us, marital self-care includes working on a creative project that draws from our individual gifting—I write. John inspires, edits, and formats. Perhaps the very best evidence of the Holy Spirit working in a marriage is when a rough patch is transformed into something that can bless others. This book is proof of that concept. Our desire is for you to find self-care that works for you, honors your uniqueness, and fills your cup when you have been poured out (sometimes nearly to empty) as a drink offering to others. “For I am already being poured out as a drink offering …” (2 Timothy 4:6).