You Can

Chapter 5

You Can Ask for Help

When we want to see change for the better in our lives, when we desire transformation, character building is a crucial key. We cannot build character on our own. Character is shaped, molded, and sharpened through the love and support of others. In this chapter, I circle back to something I discussed earlier—your attitude. We must come with a humble attitude. “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom” (Proverbs 11:2). We must lay down our right to do so on our own. We need to set aside offenses. We have to come empty so we can be filled. We have to let go of the pride we have carried for so long. I understand that pride can be our shield and often our comfort. We use pride to protect ourselves from all the hurt we have endured and any potential pain in the future. We use it to keep out those who have abused, mistreated, or betrayed our trust. It becomes a wall that separates us from that which may hurt us.

Pride doesn’t always look arrogant and stuck up. Pride sometimes looks like our resistance. We resist help because it is safe to do so. We resist advice because we are afraid or think we don’t need it. We sometimes resist without really understanding why; we just do it. We refrain from certain situations. We avoid people or conversations or topics or events. We avoid; we walk away from things that position us for discomfort. We run away from awkward things. If you have been hurt in any way, ever, all of this makes sense. It’s a natural defense to protect yourself. The walls we put up are not necessarily meant to hurt others, there are intended simply to keep us safe. But to grow, we have to let the walls come down. We have to walk into the room of discomfort and awkward conversations. “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15). Because in this space is where a lot of change happens. “Plans fail for a lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed.” (Proverbs 15:22).

Remember: I am not talking about going into something that is actually unsafe or a situation you know is toxic. Here I am talking about reaching out for the right kind of support to assist you through the process. The attitude I am referring to is the attitude that says, “I can figure this out,” “I can do this on my own,” “I don’t need you,” “What could you possibly offer me?” “How is this any different?” or “I’m good, not interested. I don’t need to change that.” It can even be an attitude of pride that thinks it already has learned and has nothing new to discover. All of these limit our character and potential, and hinder our transformation. One thing I have learned over time is that the more I change and heal, the more I discover how little I know and the depth I have to continuously grow. In God’s word, His personality, this life, and this earth is an unending wellspring of things to learn. You, my friend, are not at the end. There is always something to glean from someone. “Have you met someone wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (Proverbs 26:12). Most significantly, when we are on the road to become the best people we can be, we need specific people to speak into our lives, to guide us, and to cheer us into becoming such people.

I have had many of these people in my life for as long as I can remember. They were encouragers on the road to transformation. I want to highlight here that I am not talking about having dozens of people whom you carelessly share your heart with and recklessly babble all your history and life story to. Do not do this. Your heart is meant to be shared with people who can honor you and protect you. Your vulnerable stories need to be carefully given to those who can be trusted. Not everyone needs to know about you. Not everyone should have access to you. It is important to protect that which is in you and give it only to those God has chosen. God will bring people into your life who are there for a reason, often for only a season. This could mean a specific friend, mentor, leader, pastor, coach, or therapist. Some of these we might seek out on our own; others just seem to be given to us by divine alignment. No matter how the relationships unfold, we recognize we need help.