Don't Let What if? Ruin What Is

Introduction The things we carry... A few years ago, I came across an eye-opening piece of artwork. I was looking for cement garden art, and I was scrolling and found a lifelike cement-sculpture mom standing hunched over on a sidewalk. I couldn’t stop staring at it. It was the visual definition of a truth bomb. This exhausted sculpture mom carried her child in one arm and wore a giant pile of household objects stacked up almost sky high on her back. She slouched forward under the weight of the washer, vacuum cleaner, pots, pans, and more. Of course, in true mom fashion, she still kept it all up—the cement certainly helped. A team of artists in Spain had perfectly depicted what so many moms, myself included, can relate to. They called their masterpiece The Weight on a Mother’s Shoulders. It was as if someone had held up a mirror right in front of me and showed me what I looked like. Seeing my reflection was revelatory. Suddenly, I understood why I felt so exhausted. It all made perfect sense. I was trying to hold it all up. That was the first problem. The second one was that I wasn’t made of cement. I let my mind wander as I fixed my gaze on the image in front of me. I thought of the many questions I would ask this statue mom if she were real: How is your back feeling? How long can you hold it all up? How long can you live your life crouched under the weight of all these things you’re carrying? Will you ever stop trying so hard to keep it all together? What will happen to not only your back but also your emotional and mental state when someone comes along and adds to that already impossible-to-hold-up pile? With enough weight on it, even the strongest of cement will crumble. As I asked these questions, I knew I was really asking them to myself. I could completely relate to this very overwhelmed, almost-falling-over, busy mom, and I knew so many other moms who could, too. She was real. I was her but without the cement. I had just recently collapsed under the weight of the millions of things I was trying so hard to carry (more on that soon), and when I did, I almost couldn’t get back up. Contrary to what the world may think of us moms—that we are superhero, got-it-all-together, multi-tasking miracle workers—even moms can’t hold it all up. Often, we are the cement that holds it all together. Without us, it really can all come crashing down, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, it does anyway; ourselves included. When a mom falls down, it’s rare for someone to be there to help her back up. It’s almost always she who must stand herself back up, dust herself off, and carry on again. She gets up because she has to. She moves on to the next job without even being able to care for the wounds inflicted by her fall. Survival mode sets in, and she soldiers on. It’s not even the crash that impacts moms the most; it’s the trying to keep it all from crashing that has the biggest impact. Trying to hold it all up is exhausting. It spreads moms thin and doesn’t allow them to be good for anyone who needs and loves them. The crash would actually be a good thing. For me, it was. After everything came smashing down around me, myself included, I could carefully re-evaluate what I even wanted to pick back up. Once I survived the fall, I got up lighter and could move forward with a freedom I couldn’t keep to myself. It was too liberating to hide. Discovering there was a happier and lighter way to be a mom was like getting a dishwasher after years of handwashing them—glorious! Today, if this mom statue was real, I would help her throw that pile down without her experiencing one worry or shred of guilt for having done so. All that would remain is that sweet little one in her arms for her to simply enjoy and a free hand so she could care for herself, too, which is equally important. And I would argue even more important. If you’re this statue mom, it’s time for you to lighten that load and enjoy the little one(s), or bigger ones, that made you mom in the first place, without all the junk on your back. It’s time to let go of all the things weighing you down and be a mom without all the stuff. This sculpture is a shocking depiction of the way things are for too many moms right now, at this very moment. The artists nailed it. The cement mom represents moms everywhere, and the artists simply held up a mirror to show the world what a mom really looks like. Not all moms, but certainly many, are falling under the weight of the countless demands, duties, tasks, roles, and giant expectations. Too many are exhausting themselves to ensure their ducks are in a row. With a smile on their face, and a rosy Instagram picture, they appear to be doing very well, but under the surface, the only thing in a row is the mile long list of to-dos that keeps accumulating and the overwhelm that comes from the stress of trying to get it all done. Their ducks are flying in ten different directions, and they’re chasing them while they’re under slept, over caffeinated, and stressed out. They smile over it. They clean over it. They shop over it. They cover it all up like a good age-defying makeup. But under the surface, they are suffering. Moms are suffering. Bit by bit, they not only lose themselves amidst it all, but they also lose their joy.