There IS NO Gray

It surprised me how easily I was able to make the choice to do it. All it took was the right person at the right time to notice me and give me the attention that I wasn’t getting from my husband. To meet someone who made me feel significant and valued- the two most painfully triggering needs that were causes of pain in my marriage. I see now how those areas of weakness were the perfect targets to strike my already vulnerable heart. The baggage had burst, and I couldn’t even begin to close it back up.

From there, the idea was planted like a small seed in my head. After that, it grew into a thought that I fantasized about for months. It was like a drug that I could use to escape from the reality of my circumstances. Eventually, it was easy to drop hints about my thoughts to this other person in a way that confirmed them. By the time we actually acted upon our thoughts, it scared me at just how easy it was for me to do something so blatantly wrong with no hesitation whatsoever. And I became like an addict, eagerly waiting for my next ‘fix’ and both of us lying to everyone around us about our actions. And we both became completely chained in adulterous bondage.

That’s how Satan worked. He found a foothold into the door of my soul at the very weakest point and dropped an idea like a little seed. He was subtle and sly about, too. He didn’t show up on the scene as something disgusting or vile that I would recognize as wrong, right away. No, he showed up disguised as exactly what I thought I was missing and needing most in my life. Even though it was a counterfeit, it was a pretty package- pretty on the outside, wrapped up perfectly, but nothing but pain and misery under all that packaging. Sadly, by the time I had untied all the ribbons and bows and unwrapped the packaging, I was far too committed to it to just put it down and walk away.

Sin is tricky like that. I’d be lying if I said that sin didn’t feel good when you’re in the thick of it. It’s such a deception. It’s like a piece of candy that starts out tasting so wonderful, like the best thing you’ve ever tasted in your life. You want more and more of it, and you just can’t seem to get enough. It’s satisfying, but only for a short while. It quickly dissolves in your mouth and disappears altogether.

You quickly find yourself needing more of it and needing it more often to meet its addictive demands. Before you know it, it’s all you can think about, which makes it idolatry. And now, it’s not only that one type of sin, anymore. You find yourself lying to cover it up. It’s gluttony because you constantly want to consume it. You’ve lost all self-control. There’s no peace in your life because you’re constantly sneaking around and having to watch your back. But it feels good in the moment that you ask yourself, “how do I ever stop?”

All the while, your spirit feels like it’s slowly dying. Because it IS dying! You’re now so fat from too much of this sin-candy and you feel miserable. Life is full of extreme highs and extreme lows. In the moment, it feels great. But all the rest of the time you either spend fantasizing about the next time or spend feeling the extreme shame and guilt that always accompanies such sin.