Feed My Soul

Weight has become a way not to just measure the mass of someone’s body, but it is often used to measure someone’s worth. Clearly, there are some big problems with this. Namely, the fact that a data point of any kind being used to label value, pass judgment, or influence someone’s self-esteem and self-worth is highly damaging. Weight, like many other measurements of our bodies, is a variable that has many other precipitating factors besides what a body eats and how much it moves. It is completely unfair and in many ways, unrealistic to have the body shape, size, and weight standards so many of us carry individually and in our family cultures.

God created each body so differently. There is not one the same and yet we sit under immense pressure to look similar ways. Have you ever thought about why? You might think, “Well because I want to be healthy and I want to make sure I take care of my body.” I think that is usually the first or at least in the top three that I hear when I ask someone about their goals while working with me. I also often hear things like, “I just want to be ok in my body. I don’t want to hate it anymore” and “I want to stop fighting my body. I am so tired of constantly feeling like I need to lose weight.”

As a healthcare provider, I would hope that each of us is concerned with our health. That each of us would be mindful of our individual health concerns, our genetic predispositions to certain health issues, and all together what we know about nutrition and exercise science. But what I run into all the time talking with clients, reading posts and articles about health, and hearing friends, family, and acquaintances talk about their bodies is often when we talk about our weight issues, we are not actually talking about health. There is a lot more there than a desire to make gradual, lasting changes, which we know will improve health. There is an urgency, an impatience. There is an immediate need and it is not to be able to go to a PCP checkup and find out all labs were within normal limits this year. So, could it be that when we say we want to lose weight or look a certain way, we maybe mean something much, much deeper and more significant? Clearly, I would beg to say yes.

Underneath all of our true desires to see our health markers fall into place, there is usually an even greater desire for the scale to say a certain number. Our thoughts usually go something like this, “If I could get to that number I would ___.” Be able to fit into those clothes again. I would feel so much better about myself. I would look like I used to and finally be comfortable in my body again. I would feel attractive. I would get the attention I need. I would get the approval I need. I would get the love I need.

Can you see it? Can you see the direct correlation of weight to some of our most important core needs being met as human beings? How did this happen? How did we get to the place of putting so much value on what we weigh and ultimately what we look like? Again, I believe culture starts in families. And family is what all of us need. But why? Why is family so important to all of us? Well, along with all of the needs promised to us by being a certain weight, there are two more needs that seem to be tied many times to our weights and what we look like. These two needs are belonging and significance. These needs were first introduced by early psychology leader, Alfred Adler as the primary needs of every child. If in childhood, these needs were not met, or conversely, if because of family culture, these needs were tied to menial things such as a person’s weight, the consequences can be devastating. Many of us have experienced in our families that belonging and significance were directly tied to our outward appearance. Because of this, we have done all we can to look a certain way, weigh a certain weight, and as a result, felt immense pressure.

I believe it is time to release the pressure. You see, your body, our bodies, were never meant to meet the needs for belonging and significance. Author Curt Thompson writes, “We all are born into the world looking for someone looking for us, and we remain in this mode of searching for the rest of our lives.” What does this mean? We all need to feel valued, loved, attuned to, cared for, liked, enjoyed, loved, and special. If because of family culture, we got the message in any way that we are only going to get these needs met, or we would have a higher likelihood to get these needs met, or we would not be wanting nearly as much if we looked a certain way, then it would make a lot of sense to desire a certain body type, or outcome of eating and exercising.

So back to the pressure we place on our bodies…if we come to the understanding that our bodies are broken cisterns which can never satisfy the deepest longings of our souls for belonging and significance, then maybe we can release the pressure and stop striving so hard to look a certain way. If that does happen, and if we can lovingly detach from this idea of body image creating true happiness and belonging, then we can actually focus on what our bodies really need. We can eat intuitively. We can enjoy food and honor our bodies’ cues. We can take health issues into consideration when eating and exercising. And most importantly, we can go to a Source that can actually fulfill us instead of putting all that pressure on body, weight, and our body image to fulfill the soul longing for belonging and significance.

Taken from Chapter Two - Beauty for Ashes