Playing Chicken with God

"Nothing can change me. You go through things. You don't change because things come in your life. You get better because things come in your life."
Wayman Tisdale

“Throughout your life you will face situations that are completely out of your control. These situations will force you to make a decision to abandon God or worship him in the midst of the situations that are happening. However, if you do not remember God’s past faithfulness, you will have a difficult time of trusting him when you are up against the wall. Mainly because adversity introduces man to himself, it is then that we realize that we are just human.”
Pete Wilson




Now what should I do?
When we returned home to Tennessee, our lives did not stop just because Dad had a drinking problem. He wanted to address the problem in his own terms, and I wanted to make sure the kids had as normal a life as possible. And with Spring fast approaching, there was a great deal of kids’ activities to maneuver.
Our daughter was in soccer and girl scouts and our son was in baseball. I had committed to being the troop leader for our daughter and the dugout coach for our son. Being the do it all mom I had gotten used to transporting the kids to their events by myself, as well as keeping the household going. So, like any do it all mom does, I put on my happy face and motored on. I was committed to keep the kids life as normal as possible.
The only tasks my husband needed to worry about was keeping a job and going to A.A. to address his sobriety. I wanted to give him his time to try it his way. I would check him prior to his leaving and he would be fine. When he would come home; he seemed to be doing fine. He had no smell about him, he wasn’t sweating or shaking, he never slurred his words, he said he was going to A.A. and getting things worked out. I felt like he had turned the corner, and he really was trying to be involved in the kids’ activities.
That’s when I started to let him take the kids to a few events here and there.
However, my husband dabbled in A.A. for a short time while he juggled going to all of the kids’ activities. I think he felt the need to keep up appearances that nothing was wrong. I know he felt that he could stop drinking at any time, he just went to A.A. to appease me. He stated that several times. To me this meant his commitment to A.A. was not strong from the start. He felt he was in control of his drinking. I began to feel like I was now dealing with a man who had no boundaries in our married life and what was worse, the alcohol has taken over his rational mind.
By the middle of baseball season, my husband was back to drinking and driving without my knowledge. That’s when I realized we had not turned a corner, he had just become more crafty and selective about his drinking. Unfortunately, the excessive drinking became apparent when I was getting ready to attend a Girl Scout function and my husband was to take our son to baseball for team pictures. They had left in plenty of time to make the scheduled time slot and I had watched them leave so I knew he was sober. However, I received a call shortly before I was to leave with my daughter for the Girl Scout event. My son and husband had not arrived for the pictures. I finagled a ride for my daughter and passed off my leader duties in minutes. As soon as I did, I received a call from another mother on the team. My husband had finally arrived, drunk. Her call was to inform me that if I did not show up by the time pictures were over the Department of Human Services was going to be called to pick up my son. I was also politely informed that I would be put in jail for child endangerment.
I was shocked. I was to blame, not my husband who had drank all the way from the house to the ball field plus stopped in a parking lot prior to the ball field to finish the bottle of liquor. If words were spoken to him I will never know. I arrived shortly before the pictures were taken. Everyone went about their business like nothing was ever said. My husband scurried off to parts unknown. When my son and I returned home he was nowhere to be found.
This event marked a turning point in our lives. It was at that time that the manipulative behavior of my husband turned into verbal and physical abuse. His lying was paramount in the relationship, but it was dwarfed by his anger. During the next 3 years this abuse was blatant at home, but not in public. But as a Christian I was taught to forgive, and try to help those that are in need. That’s what I resolved to do. I tried desperately to hold my family together and keep the kids from seeing any signs of abuse. I kept them involved in all sorts or activities away from the house.
As I tried to keep the kids from seeing my husband’s anger, our happiness became truly compartmentalized. We had a separate life when their Dad was away. We painted, played games, went to parks and ran through water hoses. When he was home, it was a different story. If the kids were reading or playing and their Dad became loud, I would move them. If he was upset about something, I would fix it. If he wanted to do something, we did it. Whatever it took to keep their Dad happy, that is what we did.