Expected End

5 I Can Fix This As a woman, I truly feel it’s in our blood to be fixers, helpers, and “get-it-done-quickers!” We long for that affirmation! We take care of our spouse, help our kids, fix dinner, take care of our home, help our families, and will fix anything else if it's in our power to do so. The weight of that mistake echoed so deeply to my core, all I could think about was how I’ve got to fix this! Divorcing at such a young age, for me, was mortifying and embarrassing. I wasn’t about to let that happen again. So, I stayed in this mess-of-a-mistake relationship I started and did the only Biblical thing “I” could frantically think of, which was to marry this person. At least now the mess would have some kind of meaning, some kind of purpose, and I was hoping for maybe a little value. I once read some great advice that we so often forget in the moment—Never make a rash decisions when your tired, not feeling well and especially when nothing about your situation feels right…. Right choices in life are followed by peace but I had basically added gasoline on top of my already self-made inferno! My family drove hours to find me and try to talk some sense into me, others called and pleaded but I just pushed them away. All they were trying to do was help save me from another mistake, but I was stubborn and prideful and wouldn’t let go of the need to fix this by myself. I drank so heavily in those days and stayed wrapped up in my own blinding wickedness; I had convinced myself, “If I stay with this person, then it will not have been for nothing.” And let me just tell you, that is TERRIBLE self advice. Proverbs 6:16,18 “These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto Him: ….An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,” Proverbs 3: 5-6 “ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge, Him and He shall direct thy paths.” I felt I would bare the scarlet letter forever but hey, at least there was the commitment of marriage, right?! But what happens when you enter into a marriage or any relationship just to bandaid a situation? There’s no real ground of trust and you’re basically trying to grab onto something of value, but you realize you’re just grasping at thin air and coming back empty. I began to conceive the notion, this “marriage” idea may have not been such a good idea after all but deep self loathing kept me bound to my choices. The day we were to be married I remember how deeply the Holy Spirit was churning my thoughts and heart trying to open my eyes to the situation, trying to get me to see the wrong in this entire relationship but I was so scared. All I could feel was regret but I had no other choice than what was before me. That was the last time I recalled hearing that Still Small Voice for many years telling me that I was making the wrong decision again and yet another mistake. So I pushed those thoughts deep down, buried God under it all and did what “I” thought best. This was my Fix-It plan….It had to work…Its all going to be ok. Romans 8:5 “For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.”