An Escaped Remnant

Here’s My Heart, Lord

December 24, 2018

“Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23 NASB). As the sun is rising this early Christmas Eve morning, my heart is quietly being filled by the One who has become my peace. In the book of Micah, He called it, wrote it, spoke it, and knew this would happen.

He knew of the divine Shepherd that would come tend to His weary and defenseless sheep, of the power source that could be attributed only to someone who existed in eternities past, and of the Savior who would meet the needs of the underdog and drive out the chains of darkness. Micah prophesied. Our Immanuel has come. Oh, what a holy night that ushered in the salvation to a lost and lonely people. Thank you, Jesus, for filling my heart with You.

But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall, I will rise; though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me.

I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against Him, until He pleads my case and executes justice for me. He will bring me out to the light, and I will see His righteousness. (Micah 7:7–9 NASB)

This year is ending, and nostalgia has met me this Christmas season. Nostalgia and sentimentality are two of my dearest companions, year-round. But this year it goes a bit deeper, into the depths of my heart. It is a heart that Jesus has so sweetly mended and continues to heal; that has been brought low, only to be made new by the redemptive hands of the true Healer; that has been given a lot of words and a lot of feelings; and that is probably similar to yours, dear friend.

If you and I were to take a deep inventory and reflection of the roads we have traveled, what depths, highs, and lows would we find we have endured? What aches, pains, losses, joys, victories, and anthems have our hearts lived through?

Within us, so deep inside, the treasures gifted to us by our Creator are held. Words tend to fail when what is closest to our hearts means so much. It is what breathes life into us, heals us, and gives us purpose. This is where Jesus puts His prize of abundant life for us. Articulation is lost and emotion arises.

It is probably best that what is of the highest importance to us cannot be construed logically until years after the fact. At times it is easy to proclaim the good things He has done, glorifying Him by sharing His good works. But in those moments when His goodness overwhelms us and we hide in our hearts that which He miraculously has done, this is what we must cultivate and allow to be watered well.

And this morning, the words are beginning to emerge from His well-watered seeds of truth and deliverance. Not quite a year ago, my mom took her final breath on this side of heaven. The details are many, the story is lengthy, the tears are real, and the miracles are true. This year, this is what Jesus has laced my heart with—the treasure of loss, redemption, reality, and endless hallelujahs.

To date, this season of my life is the nearest and dearest to my heart. Those in my inner circle of community know most of the nitty-gritty details. Yet there are details that haven’t been shared, that are heavy, that I haven’t been able to find words for; and that I haven’t intended to share yet.

The details of this story go beyond grief and loss. They are painted on each stone of the rough point on this path to the sovereignty of the one true God. They are filled with laughter, impossibilities, suffering, healing, and new life. Jesus has been plowing through the details, some written out and some swirling around within me.

He continues to whisper to me to “tell her story.”

In reality, He is saying to “tell My story from her story.”

So here I am, letting Him put to paper His words of this intricate, detailed, and messy season.

My prayer for these words, all the words, is that it would be known that He has done great things for my family and me. And He can do the same for you. The verse that serves as the first sentence of this chapter is from Proverbs. It is a caution that reminds me to guard what He has entrusted to me and, in the same breath, to share what gives me life in the midst of the unsettled and unknown.

I am reminded to offer the details and feelings that point directly to the truth of who Christ is, to offer the testimony of a family that overcomes the darkness by His blood, and to offer a look into the tried and true realities of blessed assurance, while faced with mortality and loss.

We all have words to share and stories to tell. We all have hearts that need to be tended to and taken care of. We all have the opportunity to trust in Jesus with the depths of our hearts and allow Him to bring in light, which overrules the darkness. It goes down to the deepest corners and darkest places. He is able.

So here is my story, my mom’s story, my sister’s story, and my family’s story. It is more than just a biography of someone going to glory before us. It is a sharing of details that sing of God’s faithfulness during the roller coaster of this life. It is a glimpse of His glorious ability to indeed bring revival through cancer.

To you, my friend, I pray these words will be received right where you are. I pray that this story will speak volumes about His goodness, deliverance, and delight for His children. I pray you will be reminded that, as life gets overwhelmingly messy, you need not lose your bearings and need not panic.

He takes care of you if you let Him. He moves the mountains for you and sings over you of His wonderful love. He is relentless in His pursuit of your heart.

Thank you for going on this journey with me, for not shying away from the nitty-gritty, and for giving Jesus a chance.

—A. P.