Forgotten Memories Shattered Dreams

It has been almost two years since the accident that had claimed Jenny’s precious memories. At first, she only learned about her past from those around her. After a while, bits and pieces of past experiences would come to her mind, yet they were all so hazy. Why could she not remember? It had been her life! She was the one who had lived it. Why did she have to piece it back together from other people’s memories and perspectives? It was just so unfair. Some days she longed to forget everything just because it was so frustrating trying to remember. Some days she wore herself out trying to remember more, only to find that the things she thought she had set firmly in her mind would get cloudy again with the effort.

Today was one of those days. Something had triggered the briefest memory of a man who had obviously been very dear to her. What was it? A smell? A sound? A sight? She longed to figure out and capture whatever it was that had caused the vague remembrance. She longed to go back and drown herself in that smell, that sound, that thing that had brought an ever-so-fleeting picture of Ben back to her. Jenny’s head ached with the effort. It was easier when she did not remember anything about him. It was easier when he was just a picture of a man painted by the opinions of others. It was easier when she did not have to deal with any of the feelings inside herself.

Lately, more and more images of Ben had been flashing through her mind. They came and went quickly, like unwanted scenes fast-forwarded in a movie and then just as quickly edited out. Jenny had trouble grasping them long enough to make sense of them. Although the images seemed to fade rapidly, the feelings they left behind lingered. It was the feelings, she soon discovered, that did not seem to fit into the puzzle.

Jenny’s family had rallied around her after the accident. She moved back to her childhood home, back to the room she had slept in as a child.

The church family also rallied around her after the accident. She went back to the church she had attended as a child with her family, back to the place where she had developed such a deep faith in God.

In her head, Jenny knew that God rallied around her after the accident too, although she did not always feel it in her heart. She moved back into a close relationship with Him, a relationship that sustained her even now, when she still had so many unanswered questions.

Jenny’s family had been patient to relive her past with her over and over again. In time, she actually began to remember some of the things they told her. Her church family was always quick to tell her how they marveled at her immovable faith in God, even as a teenager in the church. When other teens were making time for the world to creep into their lives, Jenny was steadfast in her commitment to her Lord. She weighed everything she did against how it would please or displease her Christ. In fact, some members told her that they had always expected her to become a missionary, “before the accident, of course.”

Jenny was very thankful for her family at home and her family at church. She knew their prayers had played a huge part in her recovery. She was thankful for the blanks they filled in for her. Still, memories of Ben plagued her. Why would no one answer questions about him? Her own family and even those saints at church told Jenny that it was by God’s grace that she did not remember some things about her life before that fateful night. While anxious to fill in the blanks about other aspects of her life, they seemed equally as anxious to keep details about this man from her.

But the time had come. There were too may unexplained feelings associated with Ben to be satisfied with the sparse details her family was willing to give her. It did not add up. Surely there was more to the story, and she had to know the truth. It was the only way to make sense of the battle going on inside her. So with her mind made up and determination as her fuel, Jenny vowed that tomorrow would be the day. She would start with her mom. Decision made, she let out a long sigh and drifted off to sleep.