The Pastors' Diaries

I was sitting at my desk when the phone rang. I was asked if I heard what happened. I responded that I had not, and then I was told that a well-known pastor had just committed suicide. I dropped my head to my hands and said, “No, not again.” It almost seems like an oxymoron to say pastor suicide. On the outside, one may wonder how those who know the Lord and His Word so abundantly could find themselves in such a barren place. But the truth is I did not have to wonder, because I know, firsthand, how discouraging and desolate the office of a pastor can be. Over the last two decades, I’ve talked to countless pastors who were willing to share their problems in pastoring, but few were willing to share their pain. A culture of competition and the preferred façade of perfection has created a taboo concerning transparency. The truth is that you will seldom get to hear the unguarded heart of a pastor, unless you are in their inner circle, because pastors don’t naturally share their dirty laundry or want to seem like complainers. They quietly absorb an abundance of pain as part of the job. In The Pastors’ Diaries, you will witness a behind-the-pulpit look at the people who have been called to pastor and the personal challenges that could lead to tragedy if left unattended.
The Pastors’ Diaries was written to help pastors recognize that some of their most private thoughts and challenging circumstances are not unique to them. It’s meant to help pastors navigate overwhelming situations by sharing the lived experiences of other pastors who have dealt with massive failures or enjoyed amazing triumphs.
Throughout the book, you will read detailed accounts of pastors sharing their pastoral journeys, many of which have never been shared with the public. Pseudonyms were used for a couple of the pastors to protect their churches and the people involved, as well as to give the pastors the freedom needed to communicate their truths without saving face or elevating themselves in any way.
Real people and real stories fill these pages. Some will be unbelievable and hilarious, while others may leave you in tears, heartbroken, and bewildered at how the body of Christ could survive so long with that much dysfunction. You will undoubtedly see the power and grace of God and the reality that the gates of Hades won’t prevail against His church.
The suicide rate, porn addiction, and depression of pastors as well as the exodus from the pastorate is so alarming. Something needed to be said and done to challenge the trajectory of this epidemic. I pray that this tool will not only validate the pressure, pain, pride, power, passion, and pedestal of pastoral experiences but also give pastors the freedom to respond to and persevere from these situations in healthy ways.
Because of the brokenness and imperfections of churchgoers, the number of personal offenses experienced within the fellowship has led to a continued exodus of church members. Therefore, another goal of this book is to help laypeople have a better understanding of the person who sits in the middle chair and stands behind the sacred podium. Then they can have realistic expectations of the human they’ve empowered to shepherd them and learn how to love them appropriately. They will discover that no one in the church has experienced more offenses than the ones called to lead. Yet in most cases, those leaders continue to remain faithful and in place until God decides to move them.
On a personal note, writing this book has opened some wounds for me, but it has also healed some. It was therapeutic to reflect on my pastoral journey. I know my peers and I are not perfect, nor do we claim to be. We need the same love and grace that we pour out to be poured back into us. When I retire, there will be moments that I will wish I could get back, and there will be things that I will wish I would have said or done when I had the chance. I contemplated writing this book after retirement, but I wondered what good sharing this burden then would do for the body. I wondered how many people would say, “Wow, I wish I knew what you were going through at the time.” Therefore, I decided to write this now, hoping to assist others who might be going through similar concerns. I also wanted to write this while I was still accessible, so I could be accountable for what I shared and available to discuss these issues. I truly pray that this book will be a blessing to the body of Christ as well as a catalyst for healthy leadership and relationships between pastors and their churches.
Each chapter in this book contains an introduction and entry from me, followed by six clergy persons who share their experiences. Each chapter ends with me providing a summary, scripture and prayer to bring uplift to you the reader.