A Peace At A Time

The following testimony reveals my “Near God” experiences and my solid “Now God,” experiences which give me an unshakable, secure freedom in a loving relationship with God.

Where have I been all my life? How had life’s meandering path brought me to this place a small, dreary town of four hundred people, at the foot of a mountain range in Southern Wyoming? Not enough people here to fill a small apartment complex in the city where I had lived for fifteen years. Not the “Life in the West” of youthful vision. My heart whispered, “When you spend your life following other people’s expectations your own misguided judgment, lust, and ego, buffeted and tossed like a rudderless boat, you get lost.” In my world, people were constantly thwarting God’s plan, believing all the while that this was life, each one struggling to gain control and direction in their lives.

The “cowboy" of my dreams had cut a deep hole in my heart, and although we were still married, he was not in my life. I had placed him on an ice floe and pushed him out to sea. His departure became a stimulus for my seeking and then finding life God’s way.

I settled into my lodge pole pine chair, cuddling in the green and burgundy afghan Mother had crocheted for me. I had a pencil and legal pad in hand, intending to construct the outline of a book. A book was emerging in my head, not the great historical novel of youthful dreams, but the history of my life and rebirth into a life in Christ.

I could not write anything that night; instead I spent time in prayer, asking God how to witness about my life in Christ. I was too new to Christianity and believing and I could not reference anything I said, felt, or experienced using scripture, in--depth interpretation, or definite knowledge of the Bible. I was just beginning to read the Bible. Yet I had this powerful urge to tell of the peace on the other side of the chasm that separates us from God.

The answer to my prayer was not long in coming. A few nights later, I was awakened at one a.m. with energy and purpose, my head exploding with ideas. I sat down at the computer and began to outline chapters. I wrote a foreword and began the first chapter. The words came almost faster than I could type. Three hours later, exhausted, I stumbled back to bed.

In the morning, approaching the computer with coffee in hand, I hesitantly called up the nights work, reading words I knew were written with a divine direction. Convinced my testimony had value, I knew God would give me the confidence and skill to finish the story. Even though I was a new Christian, I knew my entry level testimony would speak to others. God could work through me if I was willing to make myself available to simultaneously do the work of growing in Christ, exposing my life honestly, and learning while writing.

In June 2002, I had begun to write a book with the working title I Am My Own White Knight. I began reading this earlier effort in a surreal state of mind, as if reading someone else’s work. I was stunned by the sardonic, cynical words and thoughts “she” had written and was saddened to the point of tears. She struggled to move everything forward perfectly in her own world without the benefit of two-thirds of the Holy Trinity. That writer was constantly discontented, angry, frustrated and in plan-and-control mode. Yet she was not without value: I could use the old me to convey to a potential audience how far God had brought me at almost warp speed.

My heart and my body bear a silent testimony to the scars many of us carry; the loss of a child, miscarriage, divorce, automobile accidents, cancer, failed projects, betrayal, unholy alliances and most important, the self-inflicted pain of ego-driven decisions. It is a daily amazement to me I spent over forty years in a self-made wilderness because I refused, missed or ignored the message of salvation at every opportunity. I did not understand who Jesus was and did not see that he, the Holy Spirit, and the word of God were the missing pieces in my life.

Now I have the pieces, and I will never let them go. I can look back on my life, with all its painful effort, and thank God for putting me back into the fire all those times until I learned to praise him for the opportunity of trial. I now have the life that is available only through God’s sacrificial gift to his children, Jesus Christ, the promised messiah. My prayer is God will speak to you through my testimony and send you seeking your own salvation.