Because of You

It’s Been Four Years…No, Make That Ten

My mother died on February 11, 2012 after a brave and tenacious battle with cancer. You can do the math. It took me four years to be able to write this, and another five to get to the point of saying ‘yes’ to God’s nudges and gentle prodding to share my story with you.
Nine years and nine Mother’s Days have come and gone since cancer took my mom away from us. In some ways it seems like it’s been a lot longer than just nine years. But there are also days when it seems as if she’s only been gone a few days. Either way, my heart, my head, and even my body desperately wishes she was still here. But she isn’t, and nothing I say or do is going to change that—at least not literally.
Throughout my mom’s battle with cancer, and my dad’s, prior to that, I held on tight to my faith and trust in God’s promises to give me the courage and strength I needed to deal with these tragedies in my life. Yet it has taken all this time to get to the point of being able to share my grief without crying. And I’m not talking about tears welling up in my eyes and spilling down my cheeks. I’m talking about the swollen-eyes-runny-nose kind of crying. If I have all this faith, why has it been so hard to move forward?
Some people would say it’s because my faith isn’t as real or strong as I think it is. Others would say it’s because faith and God are useless and nothing more than a fantasy. I disagree. Just because something is hard does not mean it cannot be done. Grief is hard but it is also something that has made me strong. God created the human body, and with it, our mind, emotions, and all that entails. He knows we grieve, and he knows each of us grieves in our own way and in our own time. He patiently waited for me to get to this point, and now he is pushing me to move forward so that I don’t let things like self-pity pull me under.
I know faith is a real thing and that the God I have faith in, is the only reason I am still here. Still sane. Still loving my husband, children and family. Still living and loving life. And now it’s time for me to share that with you, so that YOU can love the life you have even though someone you love is gone.
Why tell my story? First and foremost, because God is relentlessly telling me to, and I am humbled and blessed to be used by God in this way. Secondly, I want to obey God. For whatever reason or reasons, he knows my story has the potential to help other daughters deal with and heal from grief. He knows that my story has the potential to heal relationships before death makes that impossible. He knows my story has the potential to open someone’s ‘faith eyes’ so that they will be able to see and experience him in their situation. Thirdly, I want to honor my mom by sharing the woman she was with as many people as possible. Whoever reads this book will get to know her and be better for it. Last but not least, I am sharing my story because it is part of my healing process. Now instead of aching sadness, I feel grateful and blessed to have been given the gift of my mom. I am comforted to know she is no longer in pain….even if she is not here with me.
All that being said, here is my story. And if you have lost your mom, I hope my story will be your story, too.