Beautiful Calm

TRAIN MEETS WALL

Sometimes life hits like a freight train against a brick wall and survival instinct kicks in. The to-do list for the day quickly narrows to: breathe, cry, breakfast; breathe, cry, lunch; breathe, cry, dinner; breathe, cry, bedtime; cry, cry, cry, oh-- breathe and repeat. Breathing is important, food is optional.
In my circle of friends:
● one was on vacation and received a call that her house had caught fire...breathe
● one was told that her cancer had returned, much worse than the first round...breathe
● one became pregnant at 45...breathe
● one was moving her mom in with her and was already caring for her mother-in-law with Alzheimer’s...breathe
● one came home from church with her 2-year-old to find her husband gone, her bank account empty...breathe
● one had a daughter who became an alcoholic...breathe
● one had a son commit suicide...breathe
In my personal situation:
● my marriage was definitely over
● my children were… well, children
● my fourteen years of on-the-job training as CEO of the House -- equated to:
○ zero actual dollars of income in the real world
○ zero forms of transportation
○ zero credit score, literally!
Total train meets wall. What could God possibly do with this mess? I reminded myself to breathe...and believe the Truth:
God’s business is beauty for ashes.

The truth is that my life wasn’t a big zero. I started praying (well and crying) that he would show me what to do. Contrary to the thoughts and suggestions of the resident peanut gallery in my head, my life was not over-- I was just overwhelmed.
It is funny to use the words just and overwhelmed in the same sentence. There is nothing ‘just’ about it. But we use them together frequently as if it is no big deal. We want to appear selfless, organized, perfect and in need of nothing. Let me say, being overwhelmed happens to all of us and it is a big deal. Our lives can go from freight train to brick wall in no time flat. Learning how to live through these overwhelmed moments – and live through them well – is vital.
I do not know why I thought I was alone in the mess; why I thought I was the only one enduring a life in shambles. This would resonate with the average woman, right? What woman has not experienced an overwhelming feeling? Life in general almost demands that we will all walk through it a time or two.
Overwhelmed does not require trauma! It can be the everyday, or even the joyous occasions:
● your dream job requires more than you feel able to give...breathe
● adding another baby to the family mix, or a first baby...breathe
● that long awaited retirement… breathe
● moving across the country to be closer to family...breathe
● relationships, friendships, any kind of ships...breathe
Let me give you a tiny example of an overwhelmed moment: I remember driving my mom to the airport after I had my youngest son Levi (third child). She said, “Promise me you will call me when you can’t spin these plates any more, because they might come crashing down.” Little did she know that her phone would ring a mere two hours later while I was on the drive home.
Levi (one month old) was so hungry he was shrieking. My daughter, Zoe (fourteen months old), started throwing up in her car seat. My oldest son, Jacob (four years old), began micro-managing the situation from his booster in the back of the van. Covering his ears and screaming… “mooooommmmmy, Zoe’s throwing uuuuuppppp.” I pulled over and got out of the van. Then, I did what any responsible parent would do… I closed the door and gave myself a time out!
Although I was not a stranger to feeling overwhelmed, I did not like the out of control-ness of it. All the fast-paced emotions of it – the flood, if you will, made my head spin. I had no idea what to do with them or how to get a handle on them or how to relax in spite of them. The constant adrenaline rush - fight, flight or freeze.
Fast forward to the day I asked my husband to leave. I sat in my house and cried out for God to show me a path and give me the strength to walk it out. When I say cried, I mean buckets of tears and boxes of Kleenex. I could not live like this anymore, and I refused to move. In the following pages I will share

What God whispered to my heart and what you do after breathe, repeat ...