Beautiful Death

I wanted to capture the depression, anxiety, and fear that can become a person during such a tough season in his or her life. The root causes of my trauma were abandonment, neglect, sexual abuse, and domestic violence. These traumatic responses led to my drug and alcohol abuse. These coping behaviors also led to self-harm, destructiveness, codependency, mental abuse, negative self-talk, depression, anxiety, and so much more. So, how can I learn to change and develop good behaviors? I didn’t get into the truth until I turned thirty years old. I was prescribed anxiety medication at the age of nineteen. I got pregnant at twenty with my son, who had Down syndrome. At that time, I was consumed in the darkness of addiction and had poor decision-making skills. I did not have Jesus in my life. Fast forward ten years and I landed in jail facing fifteen years when I was three months pregnant. I know what depression feels like. I am familiar with that emotion. We live in a world full of hate and discomfort. I was fully aware. I always received little glimpses of the starlight, though. There were a few moments in the days I was lost. I could look up at the dark sky and still see the tiniest light, and I always knew that was meant to be me.

Just how could I ever get there?

How could I have done this to myself?

I had dug myself so deep into the ground that I could not climb my way out of it.

When would life change for me?

I was hopeless and helpless. Nothing was left in my soul but the chains the enemy used to hold me down in the grave. When I would reach out to my family I acted like a fool. Finding out I was pregnant again for the third time did something to me. I cared for the baby in my belly, and I needed help. So, I prayed.

In this book you will read about my journey during a season in my life that I never thought I could handle sober minded. But God took me and molded me into an image like His Son Jesus Christ. I wanted my real, raw thoughts plastered for the world to see to prove that Jesus Christ saves lives.

All you need to say is either “Yes” or “No”; anything beyond this is from the evil one. (Matthew 5:37 NIV)

I want to share the battles of stepping outside of myself and putting others first. Especially when those other people are family members. I discovered how to recognize the ego of the flesh and put it to death. Speaking of death, my resurrection came after I prayed one day in the woods. A short time after I made the decision to change, came my grandmother’s death. I, along with the rest of my family members, were witnesses to my grandma’s death. I was also her full-time caretaker leading up to her death. I put down everything I had going on in my life to be of service to her. Would I do it again? Absolutely. I took myself away from my family for nearly twenty years under the curse of addiction. I was fortunate enough to have come clean three and half years ago. So, I did get some time with her before her passing. My grandma was one who woke up every morning and would turn on the QVC shopping network. She was the glue that kept my family together. She was strong. We have always been family oriented. I remember the vacations we took when I was a child, and every year we went to the same places. Every year we went to the car shows. My grandparents went to the horse races, Indy 500, Brickyard. When I was absent, I am not sure what went on. I missed out on all that time to learn and get to know my family better. Our family had dinner together every Sunday. The house is always a home for any of us. My grandma spent thirty-three years as a seamstress for our local skaters. She had her own business, called Sew What, and would travel to state ice skating competitions to support her friends’ children and sell merchandise. I would have loved to capture so much more about who my grandma was and what she did on this earth, but the truth is I did not care for such a long time. I was not around. What I focus on is when I was around and what I did know, and that is what I am sharing with you. Let’s face it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Reach out to God. Find your Savior. Become a believer. Follow Jesus Christ to the best of your own ability. Do not try to be like anyone else. Don’t get yourself all caught up in thinking you have to believe like anyone else. Literally pick up the Bible and read it for yourself. Let it speak to your heart the way God intends to speak to you alone. My hopes are that someone reading this can relate to my story, and we can make that connection through God. All that matters to me is that God knows our hearts. He knows the impact my story can have on a lost and broken world. I am just here as a vessel and must take those steps of faith to get my story out there. I pray these words I speak will be a blessing to God.

Part 1 of this book, “I Love That You’re My Gigi,” is a beautiful story about a grandmother’s legacy and what it took for a family to process the grief of suddenly losing her. Part 1 is to honor my family, especially my grandmother, her life, and the impact her death had on me.

Part 2, “Doors of Salvation,” is my resurrection story and the radical changes scripture made in my life and how I’ve used the power of God’s Word to heal my brain and heal from pain. I leaned on God’s understanding and not my own through this whole process of becoming a better person. I don’t think I will reach my full potential to perfection. What I look for is progress.
Thank you for your support.