Do You Know Me?

The love and grace of Jesus are breathtaking—transforming you from the inside out. When life is spinning out of control and you have no one to turn to and you feel utterly alone in your struggle, pain, and loss, you are on holy ground, for this is the place where you will encounter the love and grace of Jesus, if you will lift your eyes to the heavens and cry out to Jesus. It was the year of 2010. I was in bed, sick, destitute, abandoned, afraid, betrayed, and alone. I was searching and felt as if I were barely hanging on and at the end of my rope. I never wanted divorce and felt so heartbroken for my three beautiful children, ages sixteen, thirteen, and twelve, who were so vulnerable and in need of stability in life. But regardless of what I wanted, the divorce was happening, and there was no refuge, no comfort, no hope—only despair and fear. I was angry, lashing out in rebellion and heading for destruction. My life had become a complicated web of trauma and pain that I knew I would never be able to recover from—on my own. What a strange place to be, considering that I had always wanted to follow God and obey Him. The trouble wasn't a lack of desire, but a lack of knowledge and understanding of the heart of Jesus and His amazing grace and the power of His Holy Spirit. Hosea 4:6 says, "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge." I did not know the truth of Jesus—that He is one with God. This lack of knowledge of the Trinity—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as one—limited my ability to walk in the true grace, victory, and authority of Jesus Christ. People do the strangest things when they don't know that their true identity is rooted in the love of God, who is Jesus Christ. I was searching for love, but I did not have a clue where true love comes from until I encountered the love and grace of Jesus, who set me free. In the midnight hour of my life, I encountered love, mercy, and grace in my time of need because Jesus heard my cry and He came for me—He rescued me! All my life, I had a "head knowledge" of Jesus, but I didn't really have a sense of His abounding love and grace. I call that kind of knowledge a "heart knowledge." This is what was missing from my life: the heart of Jesus and His amazing grace. We don't encounter the grace of Jesus until our midnight hour, when we've exhausted every other possible option and come up empty-handed. This is the place where all ideologies, philosophies, and beliefs collide with the penetrating, transforming power of the love and grace of Jesus—if we are willing to cry out for help and be healed. In my darkest hour, about a year into my divorce, after attending a Christian church for that time, I heard the message of grace: unmerited favor from God when you least deserve it. I desperately longed to know Jesus from the perspective of grace rather than from the burden of striving to earn His love. From the depths of my soul, I cried out to God, asking if grace was a real thing and not some fairy-tale, cure-all, or "fix." I knew I was wading in deep icy waters and wasn't going to be able to make it to shore on my own. I needed rescuing. It was a critical hour of my life—the midnight hour. In this moment, I lifted up my prayer: "Is this 'grace' a real thing? Because if it is, I need some grace." It was in that moment of seeking to understand grace, out of the deepest longing of my heart, that I encountered the love and grace of Jesus! Truly, the grace of Jesus turned the key to my prison cell and set me free. It's not easy to describe what occurred next, and for a long time, I didn't fully understand it. The supernatural, unfathomable love and grace of God is by nature indescribable. It's good for it to be so; otherwise, we would not desire to seek it for ourselves. One thing is for sure: Jesus met me in my seeking, and I encountered Him. I can hear you asking, "What was it like to encounter the love of Jesus?" Honestly, there are no words to begin to explain it. All I can say is that I felt deeply loved, whole, healed, forgiven, redeemed, and set free! The experience lasted for hours as I wept and wept and wept. There was a rolling sensation or movement deep in my belly, filling me with indescribable joy. That day, a lifetime of burdens were lifted as I experienced what it means to truly be loved. That day, Jesus called me His beloved, and He became my beloved. Jesus is now and forevermore the lover of my soul. Truly, the love and grace of Jesus set me free from a thousand heartbreaks, a thousand horrors, a thousand betrayals, and a thousand fears. He is El Shaddai, Mashiach, Adonai, Rapha, God Almighty, Messiah, Master, Healer. Jesus has a thousand ways to set you free! Even to this day, I continue to rest in the amazing love and grace of Jesus. Sometimes I am tempted to fall back into striving and performing. Jesus has been faithful to me in my struggle and continues to speak the words "Be still" over my spirit. Jesus is faithful and true. He is God, and He loves you with an unfailing love. He says to you, "Come! You are Mine."