The Big Reveal

It was 10 o’clock at night, and I was sitting in my favorite oversized chair. I had just finished listening to a two-hour saga from my 21-year-old daughter. I was already emotionally spent when Noah came down the stairs, plopped himself next to me, put his head on my chest, and began to cry uncontrollably. Startled does not begin to describe how I felt at that moment. He had never cried like this. I immediately held him close and asked him what was wrong. And what he revealed changed my world forever. “Mom, I’m gay.” Thoughts flooded my mind. Panic coursed through my body. Nausea filled my stomach. Was he kidding? Was this some kind of practical joke? My family loves to joke around. But, no, he was sobbing. This couldn’t be a joke. It was time for me to respond. What was I supposed to say? Should I say what I wanted to say? Should I say what I believe? Should I just say nothing? All I could think was, Oh please, Lord, NO! Noah had always been a little different than the rest of my kids. He liked to play with his sister’s Polly Pockets. He always played with the neighborhood girls and had no interest in the sports the boys played. In fact, he never liked sports at all but indulged our family (with two older brothers and a tomboy big sister) when we wanted to play a game of football or kickball as a family. Instead, Noah’s true passion was theater. He did his first dramatic sketch for our church at the age of seven. He was such a natural that he was labeled “the one who would be famous one day.” Over the years, some of Noah’s behavior was a little alarming for conservative parents like us, but we shrugged it off easily enough. When Noah was nine, he went to play at his best friend Abby’s house, he hid in her closet, and tried on her cheerleading uniform. When Abby’s mom filled me in on what happened, I remember thinking that was a little strange, but chalked it up to kids being silly sometimes. A couple of years later, Noah spent the day with my mom. When he returned with mascara on, my mom said he was curious what it was like to wear makeup, so she’d let him play around with hers on the drive home. We immediately took him to the bathroom to clean it off. I remember how incredibly uncomfortable I was seeing my son’s beautiful, extremely long eyelashes accentuated. But one of the strangest moments came when Noah was a freshman in high school. Curious as to why we hadn’t heard about any girls he was interested in, we asked him if he had a girlfriend or a crush. He quickly answered, “Nah, girls are a hassle.” What 15-year-old boy thinks girls are too much of a hassle to date or even have a crush on? We had two older boys, and by 15, girls seemed to occupy no less than 95% of their thoughts. While that alarmed us, once again we denied it was anything other than a funny thing to say, because he was kind of right—girls can be a hassle. Still, while we saw signs over the years that Noah was unique, I was in no way prepared for him to come out to me in a sobbing heap that spring night. Sitting in stunned silence with Noah shaking in the chair beside me, I somehow mustered up the words to say, “I couldn’t love you any more than I do now, Noah, and I would never want to change you.” I wouldn’t? What was I saying? If I had a magic wand in that moment, without hesitation I would have changed him. If I had a pill to make him straight, I would have asked him to take it. The only explanation for my ability to speak those words is what I believe to be the Holy Spirit. God gave me the strength and wisdom to know my initial reaction could damage my child—and our relationship—for a lifetime. Then Noah said the words that have haunted me ever since: “Why did God make me this way?” Between sobs he explained, “I have tried to change for the past four years, and it just isn’t working. I don’t want to be this way. Why would God make me this way?” I had no words. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to give me more. All that came to mind was, “Noah, I don’t know why God would allow you to be this way, but one thing I know for sure is that he loves you this way.” We held each other for another hour and a half as Noah continued to reveal all kinds of new (to me) insights: he had never been attracted to a girl; he didn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life; he had a crush on guy in his theater troupe; and he had known he was gay since he was 13. That last one made my whole body ache. Four years. My son had carried this alone, in silence, for four years. It was so much to take in. I was bursting with questions: “Do other people know?”, “Have you acted on these feelings?”, “Do you think it’s a sin to have a relationship with another guy?”, “What kind of pornography have you looked at?” The Holy Spirit continued to nudge me. “Noah, I know you didn’t choose this. Who would choose this? And I don’t want to change you or fix you. I love you and accept you right now as you are.” I assured Noah he wouldn’t have to struggle alone any longer and that we would figure this out together. I told him I was sorry our home environment made him feel unsafe to tell us sooner and promised we would work hard to make it a safer place for him to confide in us. Noah finally gathered himself together and went to bed, leaving me alone in my chair, shocked and bewildered. I was still staring off down the dark hallway, feeling completely numb, when Al came in the door a few minutes later. I must have looked whiter than a sheet because he immediately asked what was wrong. I told him the news and instantly recognized my own white-faced astonishment reflected in his face. Yet again the Holy Spirit nudged me, and I told my husband, “You have to go upstairs and lay in bed with Noah. Hold him tight and tell him that you love him.” I can’t explain how, but I knew it was what Noah needed in that moment. He knew his dad was coming home and was terrified to tell him—not because my gentle, loving husband would flip out, but because Noah didn’t want his dad to look at him differently. Noah didn’t want his dad to be disgusted by him. Al could hardly move, but willingly did what I had pled with him to do. Noah was still crying and Al joined him. They held each other for a while, Al crying and reassuring Noah that he loved him.