HE KEPT ME

CHAPTER 1 (IN THE BEGINNING)

INTRODUCTION- SOMETIMES I DREAD TO THINK BACK ON THESE DAYS OF OLD. THEY ARE BOTH COLD & DARK. WHILE I WAS JUST A LITTLE GIRL {STILL IN KINDERGARTEN}. WHEN EVERYONE ELSE WAS PLAYING WITH DOLLS, GOING TO PARKS, LEARNING THEIR ABC’S AND 123’S, I WAS FORCED INTO AND ADULT LIFE. YEAH I WAS ENGAGING IN ADULT LIKE ACTIVITIES.

One evening while I was visiting my father, I saw him smoking a cigarette and i became curious. He’d constantly smoked in my presence, and I thought it was cool. So I decided to imitate what I’d seen him do numerous times before. Dad went into his bedroom, and left the cigarette butt in the ashtray. Now this ashtray was a regular ashtray, but to me it seemed as if it was beckoning me to approach it, so I did. Then I picked up the cigarette placed it to my lips, as if I was truly smoking. Then I got nervous and quickly put it down. Another time, oh about 3 wks from the first time, I gained courage enough to not only pretend to smoke, but light it as well. This particular time dad had gone to the store. This is just the beginning. He also smoked marijuana cigarettes and I somehow fooled myself into trying them a well. Don’t fault daddy, he probably didn't’t expect for his precious “baby girl” to do such a thing. In my times of visitation I found myself outside on several occasions smoking. Yeah it was hard at first, but i persisted and each week it got easier and easier. One week the neighbor came down the back stairs to the apartment and questioned me about the stench of marijuana in the air. I quickly replied “I don’t know ma’am”. The next week she did the same thing, and my reply remained the same, “I don’t know ma’am”. So she asked for my dad. I called him to the door and they began to speak, but the conversation was very brief, dad called me inside the house and that was that. By that time he realized that some of his marijuana (roaches)were missing. He put two and two together and concluded that whatever the neighbor was saying had to be true. I thought I was going to get a whooping, what i got was and invitation to join him. That’s where my story begins. Once I engaged in the antics of smoking with him, he’d touch me. No not like a father should touch his own child or any child for that matter, and I was afraid. Never did I cry or try to push him away. So the incest progressed to more than just touching. But I was being compensated for it, with things. Any toy, expensive clothes and shoes, etc. so I kept my mouth shut.

On the other hand, when I was at home with my mom strange things were happening there as well. Mom was usually zoomed or zoomed out, so she couldn't see or distinguish what was happening. Once she told her boyfriend to pick me up from daycare. When he came to get me, he was riding a bicycle so I had to ride on the handle bars. When we got home I rushed to the bathroom, by the time I came out, he was stark naked standing their swinging freely. What was I suppose to do? In fear I tried to run, but he just grabbed me. I shrugged him and he just placed me in a hold I couldn't escape from. He did some nasty things to me including touching me, making me touch him, and pleasing himself in front of me. By this time I was just flabbergasted at what was happening. Finally when mom arrived I told her, and she confronted him, but of course he denied it, called me a liar, said “ I was being disobedient so he had to spank me”. So she chose to leave it alone. Not more than 4 weeks later after this happened, he was stabbed with a knife in my mom’s home. Yes he lived, but it was touch and go for a minute. So I did what any other daughter would do. I told daddy and he was furious. But pause, why? Aren’t you doing the same thing? Any how, daddy went to confront him but the guy was so defensive and offensive at the same time that he confused daddy, changed the story and made me to be the blame, stating I was lying. Dad told me if he did it again to let him know. Contrary to your expectations it never did. Thank God. Which tells me that even then God was there. I didn't understand it, but God blocked it, Hallelujah.

Six months later I was visiting my father’s mother (my grandma) house, and a family member said to me “Tanya sometimes he plays with me“. I’m only around 7yrs old at this time, so I was like really! She said ”we play hide and seek, but when or if he finds me, then I got to kiss him”. Now y’all know how that’s not how the game goes, unless you’re older maybe. So I was like huh? I asked her “what you mean he makes you kiss him?” She said “no, I have to kiss him because I got out, (lost) I didn't hide in a good place.” So we talked a little bit more and I discovered she too was going through it. I was shocked, but then I asked her why did she tell me? She said because my he said you know how to play all our “secret” games. I’m thinking how did he know that? But right there you see it was ok to do it, because it was “usual” or should I say the “norm”. So I asked her did you tell your mom?” She was like, yeah she already know. Yes, this is something in the bloodline of the males on that side of the family tree that was tolerated. She was actually trying to recruit me, and I didn't realize it. She never suspected that I too was already going through the same thing. But like me she was being compensated, just as I was. Being deceived into believing it’s ok. There was so many female cousins to choose from and she chose me, I wondered why? The answer is “the youngest female child” is who they wanted. So be cautious when you see your girls being extra friendly or very open with older men it’s a sure sign. At the age of 8, it was my turn to recruit somebody. I was scared, but I knew it was part of ”our secret“. So I tried my other cousin, she was happy to come and stay with me because she didn't have the things I had. She didn't have the toys I had. It was a new experience for her. So she agreed. But when she asked her mom she was like “I got to think about it”. So 1 week go by still no decision, 4 weeks still no definite answer, So I thought I had failed in the task of getting somebody else to experience what I’m going through. This was supposed to be my way of escape. So finally 2 months later her mom said yes. I was so happy, even elated to know I won’t be alone. And to my surprise the whole atmosphere changed. usually we’d go to the movies {dad dropping us off}but this time he said “y’all big girls now, go ahead and walk to the theater. Which was about 4 blocks away from where my grandma lived. So of course we were overjoyed. I remember it like it was just yesterday. It was a Saturday, me and my cousin was so anxious to walk to the movies alone, mind you were both 8 and 9 years old, she was older. But I’m smoking marijuana on the regular now every weekend. So I had some with me, that was the bait. So as we’re walking I showed her and she was like, “where did you get that? Do uncle know you smoke? Of course I didn't disclose any information, I even avoided the question all together by just firing up a spliff. Now to those that don’t know this when you get two sheets of rolling papers usually 1.5, and and make one long joint (marijuana cigarette).