Finding Hope

This wasn't how my life was supposed to be. I had had a plan. My life had had a clear direction. All the questions had answers. There were no blank spaces; no page left unturned. Everything had been carefully planned, but that was before my life did a total one-eighty causing everything to explode in my face. Now there's no going back.

It's difficult to believe that eight short months ago, I didn't have a care in the world. My life couldn't possibly get any better. I had

been accepted into my dream school: North Stoneridge University. It

was one of the most prestigious universities in the United States. I

was going to become an architect and join my father's company like

the other Bellows men had done before me. It had been all that my

dad and I fantasized about since I was just a kid. I was going to make

my family proud, continue our legacy, and leave my own handprint

on the world. Nathan Michael Bellows was here and had made a

difference! I was going to leave the world, better than it was when I

had entered it. There was no plan B.

I also had a gorgeous intelligent girlfriend, Sabrina Perry. We had been together since our sophomore year of High School. There was no one else like her; not even close. She was everything to me. We were each other’s firsts and planning on being each other’s only ones. I know that sounded cheesy, but at the time I truly believed it. I had admired, respected, and loved her. Sabrina was different from the other girls I knew. She was goal-oriented and passionate. Her love of animals turned into a career path. I knew she would be an incredible veterinarian one day.

The only downfall of having dreams is that sometimes they don’t coincide with your partner’s dreams. Sabrina’s, led her to Cornell University; the school she fantasized about attending since she visited the campus four years ago. It was a four-hour drive away from North Stoneridge, which may not seem like a long distance to most people, but for me, she might as well be in California. Though, I was determined not to stand in her way. I didn’t want to be that guy; the needy, insecure, possessive type.

Instead, I pushed my concerns to the back of my mind and continued believing that everything would work out. Our relationship would survive the distance and we would be stronger for it. In the end we would both graduate with our Bachelor’s Degrees. Sabrina would keep working toward her goal of becoming a veterinarian and I would start working. Perhaps, I would work on my Master’s Degree in the evenings through an online program.

I had planned it so meticulously; every step. I graduated Valedictorian of my senior class. I achieved nothing less than an A in all of my classes, my entire school career. My resume was packed with sports and other activities. I volunteered in a nursing home and in an animal shelter. Every second of my day had been structured to be productive; to ensure my spot at North Stoneridge University. Nothing was going to stand in my way; absolutely nothing.

Or so I had thought. I cursed myself. What an idiot I had been! I was so naïve. I thought everything would work out. The next four years were going to be epic. I was sharing a dorm room with my best friend since preschool, Robbie Tucker. We were more than best friends; we were brothers. There was no one else I had trusted more in the world to have my back and I had his. My sister Charlotte used to tease us that we had a ‘bromance.’ I think she was just jealous that Robbie and I were so close. She wanted the position of my best friend all to herself but, that was Charlotte. She was a firecracker and my only natural sibling. I had shared some of my experiences and feelings with her, but I didn’t want to burden her with the worst of it. I knew she wouldn’t judge me; I trusted her, but she was my younger sister. The protective older brother in me wanted to shelter her from the dark feelings inside. I didn’t want to scare her or make her think she had to ‘save’ me. It was my responsibility to protect her; not the other way around. I thought I could get through it somehow. I thought I could make it out the other side. But I’ve come to realize, that just wasn’t possible. I was in too deep.

I glanced over the ledge. I felt panic rising up in my chest. I had been calm as I climbed up to the roof from my second-floor dorm room. Determination had steered me. I couldn’t live like this anymore. The pain inside had to end. I could only take so much and now there was no turning back. Robbie had betrayed me. We were no longer friends. Sabrina shattered my heart and faith in love. I was convinced human beings weren’t capable of unconditional love for a significant other. Sure, parents had unconditional love for their children, I had experienced it from my own parents. But humans were far too selfish to extend that type of love to their partner. It was impossible and Sabrina had proven that to me.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve made so many mistakes; mistakes I can’t rebound from. I’m a failure. I’m a disgrace. There’s no point anymore. I’m going to be expelled. My future here at the university is no more. How can I go home and face my parents? There is nothing left, I have nothing left.

Dad will be so disappointed when he finds out what I have done. I’ve tried talking to Mom time and again, but she just doesn’t understand. Maybe she doesn’t want to. I don’t want to hurt them, but I don’t want to keep on hurting either. I feel like I am suffocating in the darkness and I can’t seem to find relief anywhere. Nothing is going to fix this. It’ll be better if I’m no longer here. I haven’t been able to find another way out. This is it.

I look up at the heavens.

I don’t know what to do! Lord, can’t you tell me what to do?

These questions are driving me insane! I don’t know how to go on. Everything is so screwed up. I’m so screwed up! I’m not who my family thinks I am. I’m a loser. I just want this emptiness and this pain to end. I want to feel free. I want to feel light and happy. That’s all I want, but I can’t get it. I can’t get out from underneath this heavy cloak. It weighs on me. It pushes and pushes. I can’t explain it. I just feel helpless and all I crave is escape.

My heart is beating fast. My hands are clammy and I’m shaking. I have more questions than answers. The panic intensifies. It’s time. I have to do this before I back out. I have nothing to turn back to. My world as I knew it is gone.

It's over.

I close my eyes and take a step forward.

I'm so sorry Lord, but I’m not strong enough. I can’t do this anymore. Please forgive me Lord. I have nothing left.