Finding Beauty in My Brokenness

I am broken. There is a piece of me that will never be the same. I spent a total of twenty-one days in behavioral hospitals one fateful summer. I had to start seeing a psychiatrist at the age of thirty. At first, I was ashamed and wondered how I ended up there. I felt as though I should be able to handle the stresses of daily life like all the other moms, but instead I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The chemicals in my brain had decided to play tricks on me. I had a new identity, an ugly label, and a nagging self-judgment. I felt like my life had shattered, and it would never be the same.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Cor. 12:9 (NIV)

God’s promise in 2 Corinthians helped me understand that my weakness and my brokenness could bring me closer to Him. It took time for me to find myself again and come to grips with my new normal: the meds, the counseling, the stigma. But God’s grace was sufficient. His power was truly made perfect in my weakness. He started giving me the courage to share my testimony in small group settings. He proved over and over that my story was offering hope to others. I could feel God’s love flowing and moving through me, like a vessel for His kingdom. I knew that it couldn’t end there. He wanted me to do more.

Dear reader, it is out of obedience to my Lord and Savior that I write this book for you. My prayer is that it will offer some type of encouragement to those who might be suffering in silence. You are not alone. Whatever battles you face today, you have a God with an overwhelming, never-ending, reckless kind of love for you. It is my hope that my story will show you a glimpse of His faithfulness. Through my story, I hope you experience the miracle of how God pulled me out of a messy pit, and how He continues to give me strength to press ahead. I will offer tools that help me fight life’s daily battles, and I will share scripture that speaks truth and empowerment into my life. Through my brokenness, I have found beauty. God created me in His image, and I will use my brokenness as an ember to ignite hope in this dark world. I will turn my mess into a message of the redeeming power of His love. Keeping my story to myself simply seems selfish, because my Almighty Savior deserves to be praised for all He has done.

“Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done. Sing to him; yes, sing his praises. Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds. Exult in his holy name; rejoice, you who worship the Lord. Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him. Remember the wonders he has performed, his miracles, and the rulings he has given, you children of his servant Abraham, you descendants of Jacob, his chosen ones.” Psalm 105:1–6 (NLT)