Healing the Broken Pieces

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Out of the Slimy Pit

I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

—Psalms 40:1–3

Denial is something we all use to block out pain. If we bury our losses or pretend they did not happen, then our hearts will not ache. For me, it was easy to live in denial about my pregnancy losses for years because my family and friends never brought them up. I always kept busy to distract myself from feeling or thinking about it. I graduated from nursing school and worked full time as a registered nurse at a local hospital. I remained busy visiting family. I have a large family. I have four siblings and my parents. My husband and I also spent time with his family. We would have dinners with our friends and go on vacations. This seemed to help me keep my pregnancy losses buried for a while. But they were always there. Sometimes my mind would start playing games of “what if,” and I would stop those thoughts immediately. When the memories of my body bleeding and those horrific cramps would surface, I would block them out. I did not want to remember my body failing me. The pain was too unbearable. I lived and suffered this way for many years.

It is absolutely terrifying the kind of deep suffering the happiest looking people are able to hide inside themselves.

—Nikita Gill

I now know living with this wall of denial was unhealthy and delayed my journey of healing. During these years I had moments of darkness and pain that I hid away. It is so hard to break down the wall of denial. But once it starts breaking down, you can never go back to living in denial—your heart will not let you. During my work as a nurse I took care of patients who had lost pregnancies. I never knew what to say to make them feel better, as I was struggling with my own pain. So I would silently pray for them and their families. Now I wish I had said more and shared my story with them. GriefShare classes helped destroy my denial. As I listened to others talk about the loss of their loved ones, I realized I had experienced loss as well. I could no longer stuff my emotions inside and bury my feelings. My heart and mind could no longer deny the truth. I had lost my babies, my children. It was as if my heart had been numb and frozen, and it was finally starting to melt. After that, all other emotions came.