Fugitive... Free

Who am I?

This is my story—my experiences and confession to you—as a man who wanted to do it right, but ended up in the gutter anyway. I write this little and simple book to help others in my situation, just as it was passed on to me. It doesn’t matter if you’re in prison or a freeman, a sinner or a saint. This is about the heart—something we all have and are experts in.

On the outside I tried to seem alright, to fit in, to be respected as a man…and even feared a little. On the inside, however, I always felt less-than, a loser, a fake. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I was living a double life. So I tried even harder to play the role of how I wanted to “be” and feel, of how I wanted others to see me. As a young man I got big and strong, got an education, I studied my religion, I served my country, I got married and had a family. I was checking off all the right boxes. …And then I crashed.

I suddenly found myself doing things I never believed I would do. And really liking them. I felt I was finally a success. High on the buzz that my new-found life gave me, I eagerly pursued it and its “fixes” all the more. I felt alive and passionate like never before. I felt stronger and in control like never before. I was a real big shot, my own way. I was the envy of the other men. I was finally on top!

Meanwhile, I still tried to keep things together on the outside: with my family, friends, work, and community. But it seemed that no one really understood—or appreciated—the man I had finally become. And I told myself that it was their fault. I said it was they who drove me to do this: to look for something that I needed but that they (my family and friends) were not giving me. I had to be the real man that I felt I finally was. I had a right to this, and I was not about to let anyone take it from me. I felt I was finally breaking free. …And it almost killed me and those closest to me. I couldn’t understand it. What the…?!

Nowhere to run, no way to climb out of this pit. Just when I felt I was at the top of my game on the inside, I realized it was also destroying me and my relationships. Why wasn’t my life working? Why couldn’t I have both this newfound “freedom” and the rest of what mattered in my life? I couldn’t figure it out. But I also knew I could get out of this. I couldn’t—and really didn’t want to—give it up. I just wanted everything else to be alright. But I couldn’t go back: I was changed for good. There was no way to get my arms around it and put that genie back in the bottle.

It was just like an addiction, quicksand that I could not get out of. No matter what I tried, nothing worked or made sense of my predicament. I became desperate. I sought to move far away. I saw doctors, took meds, joined groups, and prayed. I learned some things, and some of it seemed to work…for a while. But nothing fixed my situation, and I was actually becoming more confused. The further I went along, the more people seemed different, like strangers to me. Why couldn’t I just be me…and why couldn’t people accept me for what I was? The frustration drove me even harder to get my fixes. But this just exacerbated my depressions, highs, anxiety, and desperation. I was on a wild rollercoaster ride with no end in sight. Why was I losing everything on the outside, when I felt like superman on the inside? Why was my inner soul dying? Why couldn’t I get balance? Why couldn’t I get it to work? Why was I losing everyone and everything I had loved? Was I dying? Was I going insane?

After struggling for a long time like a thrashing gladiator, I finally became exhausted and admitted that I was defeated. I couldn’t see how or why I was still alive. I had no more energy or will to keep fighting. I was through. I stopped looking for any more solutions. I would just play out my losing cards till the bitter end. Just a lost soul, drifting. Where were the promises? Where was the success? Where was God? And where does a man go from here? The emptiness was unbearable...on all levels.