God Is Not on Your Side

After surrendering my life to God, only a few months later, he sent me as part of a medical missions team to West Africa. I had just completed my medical training as a Physician Assistant in the United States only a few month prior and felt that I was ready to serve and help heal people as a clinician; but God wanted to show me how much I needed to rely on Him if I was to truly be a clinician who honored God in my medical practice.

Shortly after arriving in West Africa, our team was invited to the home of one of the elders in the church. While we were sharing a meal, this brother told me that he wanted to show me something. He walked me out the back of his home to another building nearby with concrete walls and an aluminum roof, upon entering the building I was shocked to see it was an open room in which were six individuals laid out on woven cots on a concrete floor. All of them appeared ill, some gravely. It was then explained to me that this brother had some knowledge of herbs and natural remedies for illnesses, and so people came to him for help since they could not afford to go to the hospital for care.

At that moment, I felt completely helpless. I had just gone through my medical training in the United States; but it had not occurred to me that each time I saw patients it was within a structured medical system wherein patients had access to testing and medications for treatment. Standing there confronted with gravely ill patients and no means by which I could order labs, testing, or medications; in what way could I actually help them? The realization struck me that in the coming days and weeks, I was supposed to see dozens of patients every day, and it was likely that my patients would be gravely ill just like the people in front of me.

That evening, I prayed and asked God why He had called me to Africa. I told God that I was not ready to be here; in truth, I was angry with Him. I wanted to go back to the United States, I wanted to see patients in a setting where I was well equipped to handle whatever would come my way. I was not ready to see patients in a third world country with minimal or no other access to medical care. Multiple times that night, I told God I wanted to go home, I wanted to quit. I was not capable of helping these people, I was not ready to encounter this level of suffering. I knew that when people came to me as a clinician they would look to me for healing and hope; and in that moment, I felt completely unqualified for such a task.

As I poured out my heart to God that night, feeling lost and overwhelmed; God, in his grace, spoke to me. He showed me that before I had even set foot in Africa, He was already there. That day, my heart had been broken seeing people suffering, but His heart was breaking for those same people every day; and He loved them just as much as He loved me. He showed me that He had not called me to save the world, but to be faithful to Him; and that as long as I was following Him, he would give me what I needed to help people. I was not there because of my intelligence, my skill set, or because in and of myself I was capable of healing these people; no, I was in West Africa simply because God had called me. On my own, I cannot heal anyone. On my own I cannot give hope to the suffering. If I follow God, and allow Him to use me, He will heal people, He will give hope, He will change lives, and He will be glorified in all of it. That night, I wrote the following poem:

Lord, the work is so great and i am so small,

how can i make a difference at all?

and when i come to give of me, i find i present my best,

indeed, it is what fuels my pride.

and then my best falls so far short, of what i had forseen;

and i am forced to view my weaknesses in humility.

With no desire to give, for i feel i have nothing to offer,

Lord, why did you not send another?

My child, it is not the gift, but it is the call.

and I have brought you here.

when you feel small, remember I am great. Psalms 95:3-5

when you feel tired, remember I am your strength. Psalms 18:1-2

when you feel empty, remember I am the giver of all things. Psalms 57:2

it is not your gifts I need,

it is not your talents I need,

it is not your money I need,

I only need your heart and a willing spirit. Matthew 22:37

it is when you come to Me in humility,

that you will be witness to My glory.

the work may be great, and you may be small, but

I AM

and I am with you. Exodus 3:14

Joshua Opperman

2007