Silver Lining

“Congratulations! You’re pregnant with triplets!”

I was stunned into silence at the words I had just heard. It was as if someone had sent an electric current through my body. My mind was struggling to process the meaning of those words. Triplets means three, right? Three babies, three lives, three little humans in my body. I was going to have three children. I swallowed hard and tried to comprehend this colossal announcement but failed to regain my ability to speak. I could not even think of what to say in response.

Alerted by the surprising change to my usual gregarious personality, Ash found the prolonged silence too much. He looked down curiously at me and squeezed my hand. I don’t believe he had ever experienced this length of silence from me. Awkward and unsure of what to do, I rested my head back and looked up at the speckled grey ceiling. The radiologist talked through a few details of what he could see on the ultrasound scan, but my mind escaped to a scene of me holding three babies swaddled in blankets. After remembering to breathe, I let out a huge sigh and swallowed again, smiling back up at Ash. God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond anything I could ever ask, think, or imagine (to paraphrase Ephesians 3:20 NIV). This ran through my mind as we finished the ultrasound appointment and walked out of the clinic.

Before I go any further into our story, I must fill you in on the hours, days, weeks, months, and even years that it took us to reach this point.

Ash and I had been married for more than ten years, but the fact that we had not heard the pitter-patter of little feet in our home became a constant topic of conversation at social events. It seemed odd to many that a couple so in love and clearly comfortable around children would not have a family of their own. They often dismissed their concerns by claiming that I was too selfish or too busy to add another person into the mix. The raw truth was that I was too scared to even try to become pregnant, because my medical history meant that it would be a challenge. However, if we did become pregnant, this would mean that I would be a parent, which was an even scarier prospect.

Fear crept its way into many parts of my life and clung to everything that I allowed it to. What was I afraid of? I feared failing as a parent, letting my hypothetical children down, and becoming someone whom they would end up being ashamed of, or worse, resenting. I had seen my fair share of unsuccessful parenting and was not willing to join that list. This is not a slight against anyone I know. Through my work as a teacher and volunteer in many children’s programmes, I had come to see that neglect and abuse of children is a common reality. What I completely overlooked was the fact that the world, including my immediate world, was filled with parents and caregivers who loved their children and showed this love through thoughtful, intentional actions and words. Those people lived fulfilled and happy lives. Unfortunately, brokenness in my own life clouded my perspective and made it easy for me to focus on what was wrong in the world and overlook what was right—to see the bad but be blinded to the good.

Ash and I discussed the possibility of becoming parents very early in our relationship. My prediction was that it would probably occur as a result of someone else’s pregnancy experience, through adoption. However, after God gave us a promise that we would have our own children, we kept our minds and hearts open for future possibilities. Talking about this to anyone else was difficult for me, as I struggled with doubting whether it would really happen for us and, if it did happen, whether I would have what it takes to be a good mother.

Sunday, 25 August 2013
Diary Entry

I went to church this morning and thoroughly enjoyed serving on the hosting team again. I love being a part of this welcoming, caring community who share our values and give both Ash and me a sense that we belong.

Church life was a priority for Ash and me, as we were both raised in faith communities. We had always valued the hope and connection that this kind of assembly brought. Although being part of this devoted group of followers had not safeguarded us from struggling with infertility, we did have access to a higher power and believed that His help was never far away.

Our doctor suggested the process of ovulation induction, as I had been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). We tried to become pregnant without medical intervention for a year, but as one of the symptoms of PCOS is irregular ovulation, this process proved impossible.

We discussed doing a round of follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) injections and decided to go ahead. In my naivety, I imagined that creating a new life would be the natural result of a beautiful night of intimacy with someone I loved very much. My imagination pictured a scene of two people holding hands and walking along a beach set against a pink-and-purple sky during a breathtaking sunset. Nine months later, a beautiful baby swaddled in a fluffy blanket would arrive.

My reality was somewhat different. There was nothing natural about injecting myself with needles day after day, hoping and believing that this time it would work. Where was the romance in that? My conviction was that our bodies were originally created to create. They were formed and fashioned to reproduce. Sin and disease entered with one rebellious decision and left us with a less-than-perfect ability to conceive and give birth. For some, including Ash and me, there were issues that made that process a little more difficult. I have met many wonderful couples that have desired nothing more than to have a baby but were unsuccessful even with the most advanced medical assistance. I have also met people who instantly became pregnant. It is one of those mysteries of life that I, for all my thinking, contemplating, and reasoning, was unable to make sense of. Nervous that Ash and I may be one of those unfortunate couples that try but are unsuccessful, we took stock of what was ahead and knew full well that this could all be for nothing. However, we had a promise from God, and although the odds were against us, we decided to face the unknown with a spark of courage.